Ever look at someone on the Autism Spectrum and as yourself what goes on inside of their head? What they’re thinking about and most importantly if they acknowledge you? Tonight I shall take you on a trip inside of my head and then you’ll understand the title of this post and most importantly, why you can’t handle my brain.
We’re constantly going about our daily activities with something on our heads. No matter what we do we’re always thinking and worrying about the little things like how our work day will go or if we’ll complete our errands on time or if we’ll make a good impression where ever we go. Sometimes our mind might be burdened with other problems that dominate our lives like family issues or relationship problems, maybe someone dear to you is sick and you’re really worried about them, maybe you just saw a lovely lady/guy and you’re thinking about talking to her but you wonder if she/he will like you.
Now imagine your mind in overdrive and working a lot faster than it’s supposed to and you have my head, a head that is always at 65 mph and sometimes even 90. For the tech savvy guys imagine that the average brain runs at 2.6 GHZ while mine is clocked at 7.6 GHZ, It’s essentially what goes on in the average mind but tenfold. My mind works incredibly fast, so fast it doesn’t stop to soak in the scenery because it knows that the only thing against it is time.
Time is my mind’s biggest enemy. Everyday I race against the clock when I shouldn’t. I’m all about doing something as quickly as I can so I’ve never fancied the scenic route. I’ll have to run an errand that isn’t time sensitive yet I operate like it is. I’ll be honest, 90% of the time I’m that asshole you don’t want to take your sweet time walking in front of in a subway. My mind is all about efficiency and part of that involves racing against time. While this carries a ton of benefits like being able to meet deadlines and almost never show up late for work it makes it difficult for me to just appreciate the moment. My mind some days just couldn’t give a single shit about the moment because it is dominated by the endgame of any scenario and how it will be reached as efficiently as possible.
The other issue is that as a consequence of my mind being able to work in overdrive, my worries and anxieties are amplified tenfold. On situations where I have to meet a ton of new people at once I’m instantly overwhelmed. In addition to having to process a sea of new faces, my mind starts racing with the same questions. Will they like me? Can they tell I have Autism? Will they think I talk funny? Will I be of any significance to them? At times it’ll get to w point where I feel trapped in my own head and my mind becomes a circle of hell where I’m trapped with my own anxieties and next thing you know I’m fighting the dragon known as my worse fears with nothing but a wooden stick and my wits.
It’s a lonely place where I’m confronted with the worse fears of them all, being alone, and the fear if not being loved. A train of thought that only lasts a few seconds can feel like an eternity due to the speed at which my mind works. It pans out the same way with other worries. I remember the first date I went on with my now ex. Asking her out was a battle in itself but the date itself was a nightmare. Sitting across from her at a table fighting to keep eye contact and then having to try and keep a conversation going. My anxiety was through the roof that day and at times I felt as if I wouldn’t make it through the date. Some nights before something major like that first date or a surgery or anything at could have a dramatic effect on my life my head will scream “screw sleep” and will run at 65 to the point of exhaustion. We all keep ourselves up at night with our own anxieties but for me I feel miserable.
People will probably suggest meds to me after reading all that talk about anxiety and I’ve been recommended meds for depression every now and then. As crazy as it sounds I don’t believe in meds, to me they’re just a masking agent. There are those who need meds to function normally and I’m totally fine with that but I myself refuse to take meds of the sort. My mind is what it is and as chaotic as it sounds I wouldn’t be where I am without it. I can build a lot of things in my mind that people never could. A lot of the music I’ve composed over the years was built in my head in their entirety before I ever touched a computer to put it on. I can look at something or a situation or scene and my mind is already creating thousands of ideas for musical compositions. I’ve built and conceptualized entire worlds on my head populating them with characters with unique personalities. My imagination wouldn’t be what it is if my mind didn’t work the way it did. There are a lot of perks to my mind working in overdrive but it carries its share of issues too as I mentioned above.
Now that you’ve read this you get an idea of how the mind of someone on he spectrum works. I can’t speak for everyone though base on the observation of others on the spectrum I’m confident I’ve hit the nail on the head. For those who follow Charlie Sheen’s shenanigans then you’ll know where I got the title of this post from. This phrase also hits the nail on the head and describes the result of someone bring wired to me perfectly. I was built to handle the complexity that is my own head. You couldn’t last a second in my head and I don’t blame you. It’s my cross to bear, my gift and at times my curse. I hope you’ve enjoyed this magical trip into my head as much as I have. I shall bit you guys farewell for now.