Now before you read this essay I’m about to put on here I ask that you don’t judge me for the harsh nature of this essay. I admit I was being extremely hard on myself and others when I wrote this two years ago but you should know that the pain of being alone is very real. This essay came about two years ago as the product of one of my sleepless nights. I was in college and had had it with failing to woo a woman so one night when the thoughts of dying alone started running through my head I decided to write about my struggles in hopes that one day people could know my pain. You should also know that a lot happened between now and when I wrote this essay so those who know me well will know that some of what is in there isn’t very applicable now but It will be none the less a wacky trip through my head. I present to you my shattered heart on a silver platter.
Who Could Love an Autistic?
We’ve all watched Beauty and the Beast and we’ve all heard that old bitter saying, “Who could love a beast?” Ever sat there and pondered what it felt like to be the Beast? Ever thought of the loneliness that coursed through the Beast’s heart every single day that no matter how hard he tried to show just how nice he was on the inside, people were always going to be repulsed by what was on the exterior? Imagine having to live with that pain your entire life, knowing that no matter how hard you tried to show that you cared, women would always be turned off by your flaws.
It’s funny how people will say anything to be mean but what really makes me laugh is how the words of one person can stay with you for the rest of your life. I thought that girl was just being mean when she told me that no girl would ever love me, I just didn’t think it would be true. More than ten years later I’m completely womanless and my luck isn’t getting any better. The more I fail to find that missing piece, the more insecure I feel about myself. I used to have so much confidence but like a candle it slowly faded with every rejection and every failure to find someone who would like me for me. People keep telling me oh you’ll find her, don’t worry about it one day you will find that special someone. Thanks for the encouragement people but you can stop lying now. I have never met a person with Autism who’s actually found true love, sometimes I wonder if there is such a thing. They say I’m young and have plenty of time but time isn’t the problem, I bet you if I didn’t have this disability and I talked at a normal pace then the women would be all over me. You see the problem these days is women don’t like a smart guy like me. Even if I did find someone who liked smarts, not many people can get past the pace at which I talk. It is my number one insecurity and over the years it has prevented me from being as talkative as I should be. You know, I wasn’t always this much of a train wreck when I came to women. As matter of fact I was beaming with confidence in my youth and I could care less until that faithful day. It wasn’t considered that “faithful day” immediately after those words were said but with time those bitter words would live to haunt me for the rest of my life.
Once upon a childhood, I was a young naïve child who was socially challenged like all Autistic youth. I didn’t know any better, I was stupid and I was a complete idiot. Of course like every youth in my time I experienced that phenomenon better known as puppy love, a phase where you’d find that pretty girl and you would try to woo her. Of course me being the social idiot I was, I didn’t think twice about the things I’d do or say in order to get a girl to like me. From stalking her in the school yard to writing harassing letters to her. I would stop at nothing to get this girl to like me. After a while this girl got fed up with me and started using words like “retard” against me but that didn’t slow me down. One faithful day she finally stood there and said “No girl will ever love you!” For a moment I paused then laughed and thought nothing of it but little did I know she was speaking the truth. It’s like she was some oracle sent from the future to tell me my fate. At that very moment it seemed like nothing, she would speak lies and then I would get on with my life and eventually find that special someone. Man was I so wrong! cause for the next ten years my life would be a living hell and when it comes to this subject, it still is a living hell. No matter how hard I tried in my youth, I was just an idiot, everything I did or said would turn females against me. By the time I knew any better the real problem was getting women to look past my flaws. I thought the problem would get better in college but it didn’t.
I’m now in my senior year of college and my luck still sucks when it come s to women. I’ve either been rejected or have failed to get past the friend stage. I have had it with trying to find women. It is getting really frustrating with each day that goes by without any progress. Sometimes I wonder if I’m even going to find that special someone. Even if I do come across potential women I want what are the chances that I’m going to find one who can look past my flaws and most importantly if they aren’t taken by some other douche bag? Every time I find someone who has potential to be girlfriend material, they are always taken by some douche bag that treats them like total crap. It’s like no matter how hard I try I’ll never win. I feel completely hopeless. I feel like I should just give up because what are the chances of me finding that special someone? I continue to ask myself the same question over and over again. Who could love an Autistic? Now you have a slight idea of how The Beast feels but to know how he truly feels, you must walk a mile in his shoes. It’s hard for people to realize how much I struggle when it come to finding true love. People think I’m just making a big deal or blowing things out of proportion but the truth of the matter is, you really need to put yourself in my shoes to feel the pain I endure on a daily basis. I ask myself the same questions every time I run into a new female. What will she think of my voice? Will she put up with my flaws? Will she be able to accept the fact that make millions of mistakes before I do things right? I’m a complete wreck; I get a really bad case of anxiety in situations like this. Once again the infamous question drives me insane, who could love an Autistic? I don’t know, maybe I’m being way too hard on myself. The fact that many of the people around me are in relationships doesn’t help the matter at all. As a matter of fact it makes things a whole lot worse. I see couples walk hand in hand everywhere they go, I see them embrace each other, you even hear the sweet sounds of love in the room next door and I constantly ask myself, why can’t that be me? Why can’t I be that lucky? Sometimes I wonder if I’m even meant to be loved by a female other than my mother. Does the missing piece even exist or will I be alone for the rest of my life? Once again I must ask the infamous question just one last time, who could love and Autistic? The world may never know.
I hope this essay gave you some insight on some of the pain I’ve felt over the years. Being different isn’t an easy job but someone had to do it. I shall bid you guys farewell and stay classy.