WARNING: STRONG LANGUAGE!!!! READER DISCRETION IS ADVISED!!!!!!
Welcome to Angry Autistic Rants, a sub series of posts where I choose something that bothers/irritates me and blogs about it with nothing but raw emotion. For this post we shall dive into a holiday that I find utterly pointless and should die in a fire.
As you reach the end of January, you instantly start to notice that there’s something ominous in the air. You can’t quite put your finger on it but you know that there’s something off. There’s an influx of jewelry commercials, there are way too many love songs on the radio but it all comes full circle when you walk into a store and are reminded what day is around the corner. Suddenly your mind is filled with flashbacks as pain as the feelings of loneliness come rushing back. Your heart starts to hurt as you are now reminded that Valentines Day is approaching. There aren’t enough words in the world or pages in a book or even space on the wordpress database to describe how much I despise Valentines Day. I could write a Harry Potter sized novel about how much I hate the day and it still wouldn’t scratch the surface. Every year when I walk into a CVS, Walmart, or any other store with a “Valentines Day” section it tends to trigger a ton of memories, memories of my attempts at love gone terribly wrong. If I could start fires and contain them to one section and keep people safe in the process I would torch the Valentines section of every single store I walked into. Scary shit huh? I promise I’m not some pyromaniac and that thought of torching that section is more of a twisted fantasy created from my sometimes fucked imagination than it is an urge or impulse. Those reading are now wondering what could have possibly happened on the only day in the calender year that we treat our significant others like kings and queens to warrant such rage and sadistic thoughts. A lot went wrong in my life for me to get to this point. Now in earlier blog posts I have covered some of my romance woes but I never exactly started at the beginning but before I do, I have to share a few of my older My Space blog posts in order to get that pain across. Back in high school I blogged of my life but in those days I blogged with nothing but raw unfiltered emotion. The next three blogs are from an angry, lonely, depressed, and even sexually frustrated 17-20 year old me on the matter of this most unfortunate holiday.
Begin Depressing Flashback….
Blog Post #1 (2/12/06)
You asked for it and now you’re gonna get it people! As many of you know Valentine’s Day is approaching us and as some people know The Haitian Heat and Valentine’s Day do not mix and they never will. The point of the matter is
I HATE VALENTINES DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why you may ask?
Because every year you have to watch all the couples in the school hug each other and give each other nice little gifts like teddy bears and all of that other shit. Then you have to watch all the girls exchange gifts and then finally you watch girls give gifts to guys who they consider to be their friends. You sit there and then you wait and wait and by the end of the day you have nothing. It’s like in that episode of the Simpsons when everyone is getting gifts and poor Ralph Wiggum is sitting there with an empty bag and Lisa Simpson gives Ralph a sympathy card just because she feels sorry for him. That’s me except without the sympathy card. Now wouldn’t you feel pretty left out? Now think about going through that for five years straight. I feel that’s a kick in the crutch not worth taking. It seems to be that only day you feel like no one gives a damn about you.
Another reason why I hate Valentine’s Day so much is because in the past I have made a total fool of myself. I make what seems to be these cute little Valentines attempts that always crash and burn because I always learn something the hard way like they had a boyfriend and they didn’t bother to tell me or I wasn’t their type but didn’t bother to tell me. Until something good happens then I stand by everything I said in this blog. So to everyone reading this blog have a really good Valentine’s Day because I know I won’t! Join me next time in the new installment of my blog “The Valentine’s Day Update” where I give you the 411 of what happens on February 14th
Blog Post #2 (2/13/06)
The Calm before the Storm!
Current mood: bored
That day is approaching and I know I wasn’t supposed to make another blog until Valentine’s Day but I was bored on this snow day and thought I should enjoy the day before. I was thinking about all my past Valentine’s Day experiences and rejections and then I asked myself something, What’s the point in celebrating Valentine’s Day and who invented it to begin with I mean if the day is meant for couples only then why waste our time watching people celebrate something the rest of us single people don’t have? You wanna know why? Okay then I’ll tell you, it’s because Valentine’s Day is probably the only day these couples get to make us envy what us single people can’t get. It’s also the only day in the calendar year when they’re noticed so people bother to pay attention to them. I don’t know about you guys but I know for a fact that I’ve hated Valentine’s Day since my first rejection and I will continue to hate it until I’m in a relationship, married, or someone bothers to care or even give a damn for that matter. This day also marks the anniversaries of numerous attempts I’ve made in the past to capture a girl’s heart. All of these attempts have failed and I sit at my computer asking myself why do I suck with girls? I may never know the answer to this question for a long time. It just goes to show you that some girls out there don’t know what they’re missing and are dumbasses for rejecting me in the first place! So people I’ll see you later when I give you the update!
My College life so far… (Vol.4)/Lovesickness (2/8/08)
Current mood: lonely
Hello people of My Space. Welcome to another blog in my exciting yet confusing and sometimes fucked up life. How is everything you ask? It’s a great big bag of trail mix so let me explain. College is fucking awesome, my classes couldn’t be any better and my family life couldn’t be any better. The gaming project in my game design club has gotten into full swing and if we continue at our pace we should get this game done by the end of our first semester. Everything is going so well for me right now and a 95% of my life seems to be in my favor. So if everything is going so well then why do I feel so unhappy? Well people, the second half of this blog title should explain it all and people who know me extremely well will know in an instant what I’m talking about. You see that time of the year is rolling around when Flemmings has to once again feel the pain of being a single guy who hasn’t once in his entire life has been in a relationship. I try so hard every day to keep my head held high but the pain has gotten worse as this time rolls around. The time when all the love songs come on the radio, then all the jewelry commercials come on. Then you go to the stores and there are lots and lots of cute Valentine’s Day gifts. Valentine’s Day is a very overwhelming time of the year for me because of that very reason. Lately I’ve been feeling a little hurt by a realization I’ve made. In one month I’ll be 20 years old and still wouldn’t have been in a relationship. Now for a lot of people this doesn’t seem like a big deal but for me it is. Turning 20 is one of the biggest things for me at the moment because it marks that transition into adulthood. I don’t know why I always feel this way around this time. Why the fuck does Valentine’s Day have to be such a big fucking deal. It should be call “Singles Awareness Day” as my friend said in a conversation we had. What makes it even harder is the fact that a lot of people around me are in relationships so it makes it that much harder for me to ignore the whole thing. The sad part about it is that I haven’t been able to tell my friends about my whole pre-valentine’s day stress. So I pour it all out here in this blog like a fucking computer will understand my feelings. If you don’t understand my pain then that’s alright cause not too many people have been able to understand my pain. I feel kind of stupid writing this blog. I should be able to just say fuck it and get my ass off my computer chair and go on a search but when it comes to the qualities that I seek in a girl then my results go low. I don’t know I’m just felling a little blue right now. Hopefully it will get better. Oh and about love songs, I hate love songs with a passion, especially the ones that play on the radio. I get so mad when I listen to songs that have to do with love because it deals with a happiness I’ve never experienced and probably one that I won’t experience for a very long time. Someday I’ll feel fine but then other days I’ll feel empty and incomplete. It’s kind of dumb to for a guy to feel this way but I just do so deal with it. For the couples in the heat of love right now that are reading this blog then I hope you know that there are people out there longing to have the happiness you have. For the guys reading this blog, don’t take your girlfriends for granted and treat them like they’re nothing cause one day they will leave you. Hold your girlfriends tight like it’s your last moment together cause for some of us, the only woman in our life we can ever hold that tightly is our mothers. And for the girls, even if your boyfriends treat you like shit you should be lucky you have someone to say I love you for some, the only person they’ll ever hear that from is their mothers. I hope this blog serves as a tool for those happy go lucky couples to know the pains of a single guy who has never been kissed by any girl except his mother. Well, that’s my two cents for now and I hit you up later with hopefully a better blog from my exciting yet confusing and fucked up life.
End Depressing Flashback….
What is Valentines Day to me you ask? Valentines Day is loneliness and having to watch other get all lovey dovey while you sit with yourself and yourself only, Valentines Day is being annoyed with everyone flaunting their relationships in your face. The two lovers couldn’t give a single shit about their relationship any other day but on that one day they have to let the entire world know that they’re in love. Valentines Day is watching all of your friends who have significant others get all lovey dovey, it’s sitting in a dorm room while your friends chat with their significant others on the webcam or the phone, it’s hearing sounds of passionate sex in the room next to you and even above you. Valentines Day is an excuse to for people to actually give it their all when they should be doing it everyday. It’s the one day in the calender year where I feel inadequate as a lover. As I mentioned in earlier blogs I never really got the woman thing nor did anyone teach me. I’ve run this analogy to the ground but it was essentially a game of Russian Roulette where every chamber had a bullet. From a very young age I always knew what love was and knew when I had a crush on a girl. I couldn’t explain it as love at the time, I just knew that there was something about that girl with the really long hair. I thought the words “I like you” would suffice and we’d hold hands and call it a day but it was far more complicated than that. Every year on that same day I would make the same move with the same results and by fourth grade she decided it was time to really put the nail in the coffin. In Elementary school on that day everyone had to give candy to everyone but she thought she’d make it a point by giving candy to everyone but me. Everyone knew what was going down and I was extremely embarrassed and pissed. I then went up to her and said “our relationship was over” and everyone would then laugh hysterically and say “what relationship?” I realize now that it was the only way I knew how to say “I don’t like you any more”. The student teacher (The youngest and hottest teacher in every class who was usually in the process of getting their Master’s Degree) gave me a sympathy hug but even that didn’t do me much good not too mention it was a bit overwhelming because at that time I wasn’t used to getting hugs from any female other than my mother. My next attempt at a female on that day wouldn’t be until high school where I though bringing the quietest girl in class a box of chocolates would do the trick until I realized she was told to say yes. Of course I realized later down the line that she just flat out didn’t like me. I did the same thing a year later but it was my brother who told me that the girl was never interested and that he knew ages ago and I kind of wish he told me before I made a fool of myself.
Subsequent Valentines Days in high school were marked by the loneliness of being left out. You watched everyone give each other gifts and you had absolutely nothing. For a single person who has trouble with relationships, it is the worse day on the calender, the one day where you just didn’t want to leave your house unless absolutely necessary. They say it’s just another day but it doesn’t feel that way and even out of school it doesn’t feel like another day. That feeling is in the air and everywhere you go you just knew what day it was. Why does a singular day on the 14th day of February being so much pain to people? Why is it the trigger of so many painful memories? Why is it such a big deal? Because society makes it that way. The day has turned into nothing more than a mass market holiday where they sell love and the illusion of happiness. Society has created the one day in the calender year where it sucks to be single and that being in a relationship or having some love affair is the way to go. It becomes the perfect excuse to push expensive jewelry, perfume, and even lingerie on people. It’s the one day where most relationships start and where some end. It’s also the day where some engagements blossom. Why that day? Why couldn’t it be any other day in the calender year? Why couldn’t people show this love everyday? I’m sick of the holiday and find it pointless. We reserve only one day in the calender to deliver our A game in relationships and as a result we inadvertently make others feel left out or make people around us feel alone. We trigger bad memories of relationships gone awry. People shouldn’t have to feel this way on one day of the calendar year where we feel that it’s necessary to throw the concept of love in people’s faces. I should be able to say fuck it and just live the day like another day but it isn’t that easy, especially with all of the memories associated with it. I don’t when I’ll start to appreciate the day or if I ever will appreciate the day. Even if I am in a relationship I will probably still dislike the day because at the end of it all, what’s the fucking point? I’m gonna go all out and do all this extra special stuff for a girl that I should be doing all the time. I don’t a need some ridiculous commercialized holiday to show a woman how much I lover her. We don’t need a commercialized holiday to show anyone how much we love them. It’s pointless and as we approach that day I hope anyone reading this will ask themselves what they plan on doing on that day that they can’t do today or the day after or beyond that. It shouldn’t have to be the only day where people feel loved and it sure as hell doesn’t have to be the only day where people feel alone. I hope you enjoyed yet another trip into my problems with dating and another emotionally charged rant from yours truly. To any first time readers, I promise I’m not this depressing, there’s just a lot of emotion behind this one singular day and since I intern on fridays I’ll have to leave the house anyways because Valentines Day woes are a terrible reason to call out sick. Stay classy world, stay classy.