Alright, I’m going to stray from the norm this time around and touch on what many consider to be taboo. Remember that birds and bees story your parents told you when you were young and naive? Remember those naughty tapes you used to sneak from your uncle’s house and watch in secret when your parents were asleep? Remember when you had that one relative with a cable descrambler and flipping back and fourth between channels B21-24 and remembering the hot keys for Disney Channel and Cartoon Network was your life? Well sit down children, because we’re about to learn about the most important subject ever from someone that society thinks has no business elaborating on it. We’re gonna talk about sex. Now I know what you’re thinking, how can an Autistic person know anything about sex let alone elaborate on it? If this is your rational then congratulations, you’re part of the problem and I hope you feel good about yourself. Now I should note that I’m still a virgin (“VIRGIN?! YOU MEAN WE’RE TAKING SEX ADVICE FROM SOMEONE WHOSE NEVER SEEN A VAGINA OUTSIDE OF PORN?!” Yes guys, you are about to read sex advice from someone whose never gotten laid, just hear me out).
Yes people I’m a virgin but by choice (I’m saving myself for marriage as sappy as that sounds in today’s hookup culture). I totally understand your skepticism of receiving sex advice from someone whose yet to experience it and if you think I’m full shit, the close tab button is at the top of the screen but, if you want to learn more about the various sigmas those with disabilities face when it comes to sex and want to understand what sex is truly about outside your religious teachings of procreation then read on. You’re probably still wondering how a guy who has never had sex is about to school you on the subject, well read on and I’ll take you so far down the rabbit hole you won’t even know if you’re in Wonderland, Westoros, Mordor, etc. Now we as a society have a bad tendency of demonizing sex and doing what a lot of you neurotypicals do best, making really simple shit extremely complicated. From a very young age, you’re taught not to talk about sex, like Voldemort it should never be named. If you grew up religious, you were told what amounted to “if you have sex before you’re married, you’re going to hell”. Even thinking about sex, something that every human does is considered wrong.
The sad thing is, parents are so uncomfortable about the subject that most children discover it on their own and ask questions when it’s too late. If you’re in the population of people who found out about sex the normal way (sex ed, the birds and the bees, etc) then please stop lying right now because we all know the truth. You probably were in someone’s room and accidentally stumbled upon a Penthouse, Hustler, or Playboy Magazine; your family somehow obtained a cable descrambler; you didn’t have a descrambler but were adept enough at tweaking your tv’s picture settings that you descrambled the picture enough to see just a nipple; you had no parental controls on your computer and spend hours on Bangbros, Asian Fever, Porn America, etc; there was a secret porn tape in the ceiling tile above the right urinal of the boys bathroom or your middle school that only an elite brotherhood of men knew about and could rent on a 24 hour basis (I shit you not on that one….). What ever it was, you knew about sex long before your parents ever felt comfortable or deemed you mature enough to have “the talk”. The point is, your children are way ahead of you and you’re stupid to think otherwise.
Now that I’ve gotten carried away, it’s time to get back to the point of what seems like a very unorthodox blog post. We as a society stigmatize sex, glorify it in the media and proceed to stigmatize it again when it’s most convenient to us. Now in addition to the normal stigma, there is another type of stigma that I come across every now and then. Every now and then, people will see a couple (one person able bodied and one person with a physical disability, two people with a physical disability, or a couple that is cognitively impaired) and will often ask, “I wonder what the sex is like?” or “They seriously have sex”. To answer the first question, I’m sure the sex is no different than what you call your “perfect sex life” and to answer the second question, OF COURSE THEY’RE HAVING SEX!!!!!!!! Look guys, having a disability whether physical or neurological doesn’t stop us from having the same sexual desires as the rest of the world. Just because I’m saving myself for someone doesn’t mean I don’t think about sex. It’s really not out of this world for people with disabilities, especially those of us on the spectrum to be sexual human beings. I know plenty of people on the spectrum and with other disabilities who have great sex lives, probably better than yours and I’ll explain why relatively soon.
Now I know you’re probably still asking how a guy who hasn’t had sex can possibly school you on the subject. I went to a college where the population was 70% female. I chose to confide in women because my major was a complete sausage fest and most men really don’t give a fuck about your problems which I had plenty of back in the day. Now in those days my female friends trusted me enough to let me in on their sex lives and from there I got comfortable enough to ask the raunchiest of questions. During those long late night talks that often played out like an episode of Sex and the City, I slowly learned what it took to have not only a good sex life but, a good relationship in general. In list form I shall divulge everything I’ve ever learned in my travels that applies to people of ALL ABILITIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- Let’s get this out of the way shall we, NO MEANS NO MEANS NO!!!!!!!!!!!!! It doesn’t matter if things are getting hot and heavy or you’ve got your partner down to their undergarments. They have the right to change their mind any time they feel that they’re not ready or they don’t feel safe and it’s your job to respect that. I don’t care if your balls are bluer than Papa Smurf’s ass cheeks or if you’re hotter than California forests on a bad day (too soon?), if they say no then that’s the end of that.
- EVERYONE IS DIFFERENT!!!!!!!!!! There’s no magic book or cheat code for good sex, no quarter circle B, no nothing. Good anything in a relationship comes down to communication. If your sex life sucks, you should probably figure out the source f your communication breakdown before you address compatibility. I had mentioned above that people with disabilities probably have better sex than you, well a huge part of that is communication. Because of added challenges around mobility and sensory processing, communication is pretty much mandatory but, you’ll be surprised how many people go their entire relationships without ever communicating their desires. Everyone has different sexual tastes and you’ll never know those tastes until you chat with each other about that. P.S. Porn and Cosmopolitan is the worse source for sex tips, just don’t waste your time (I stopped watching porn four years ago for that exact reason).
- Don’t be afraid to be adventurous. You should make sure you date someone who is willing to venture outside their comfort zone in all aspects of their life and that includes sex. I’m not saying you should have sex on top of a volcano but, at some point your sex life might hit a rut and adding some zest to it means mixing things up a bit. Maybe you throw in a bit of role play, maybe you wear something new, maybe you go on vacation away from the kids, maybe you try a new position. You don’t have to do anything drastic, just tweaking the little things goes a long way.
- Being a good listener is a must for having a good sex life. The amount of things I’ve learned from women simply by listening to them has gone a long way.
- Last but not least, be confident with yourself. You’d be surprised how many relationships have fallen flat because one of the parties lacks confidence in themselves. The more comfortable you are in your own skin, the better things will be.
Stigmatising and glorifying is not a healthy way to deal with a biological and social reality – the one that makes all of us.
Thank you Flemming!
I especially liked the last three tips about adventure; confidence and being a good listener.
COMMUNICATION is really important.