I Got Broads In Atlanta (Southern Hospitality)

It’s 6 am and we’ve missed our flight to Boston. This WiFi is like that late night hook up you’ve brought home, they’re terrible at what they do but you haven’t gotten any in a while so you’ve gotta take what you can get. Can we just talk about how much I despise TSA? We pour a chunk of our budget into this hot mess yet the process is never as smooth as silk, I prefer the term “flint against sand paper with every accelerant you could think of” but we’ll get to that. I had the opportunity to spend a week and half in Atlanta where the players play and we ride on them thangs like every day, a place where parties apparently don’t stop til’ 8 in the morning. I can tell you that there were no such parties where I stayed but, I’m sure they exist in some capacity in the heart of the city. Travelling can be a roller coaster of events where there’s never a dull moment. The south is such an interesting place and to a New Englander like me, it’s like stepping into Narnia. I don’t know if this is what Aladdin meant by showing us a whole new world but, it comes pretty damn close. The south is home to some interesting customs, some questionable choice of flags, some of the best damn food I’ve eaten, some of the lowest property values I’ve seen in years and, crazy humidity. In list form, I shall elaborate on my experiences in the South.

-Several advances in technology and I still have to take off my damn shoes at a TSA check point!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If you’re just pissing money at this horrid mess of a system then you might as well make scanners that observe the contends of one’s feet. I don’t have to do a strip show for y’all when I go through the body scanners, why must I take off my shoes and then proceed to hobble awkwardly as I keep the line moving, put on my shoes and, collect all the contents I put in the bins.

-If your flight isn’t more than four hours then don’t expect much as far as food goes. You do get these really awesome cookies, it’s too bad they don’t allow my fat ass to get more than two.IMG_4310

-Flying is great, that is until you change altitudes and your ears do that thing where they scream “fuck you” and start to hurt like crazy. I’ve learned many methods over the years to alleviate this phenomenon but it still hurts like hell.

-Nothing says welcome to the south like seeing Confederate Flags on cars and porches.

-There’s a reason they call this place the bible belt, there’s a church pretty much every mile and they’re nice ass buildings too. I usually take one look at the church and already know the service is going to be lit like firecrackers on Chinese New Year.

-The humidity is pretty fierce, Tyra Banks would be jealous of how fierce this humidity is. Unlike Boston where the humidity comes and goes this humidity just lingers. The humidity is like that friend you invite over your place that just won’t leave, they come over when everyone’s around and long after everyone’s left they’re still there, time passes and passes but they’re still there, unlike your guess where you can throw on your PJs and they’ll finally get the hint, this humidity just stays.

-If you come to the south with a Masshole mentality, you’re gonna have a bad time. Where I come from you don’t hold the door often, you go through and someone will catch the door. Down in the South if you go through a door, you best turn around and make sure there’s no one behind you because God forbid you let that door close and someone was behind you.

-The Walmart’s in the south are a bit different than the ones I have close to where I live. In the neighborhood I was in was predominantly people of color, I have never seen that many people of color in a Walmart in my life. The two Walmarts near me are pretty much hickville so seeing this was a huge change.

-Just in case you forgot that this was the bible belt.IMG_4328

-Unlike the Northeast, people in the South aren’t afraid to show their love of God. You will often hear people say “God bless you” or “have a blessed day”. It doesn’t bother me since I was raised Catholic but, it is weird only because no one is as openly religious where I am. As a matter of fact, the Northeast is a bit more liberal and secular.

-Just in case you for got you were in the south,

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-Now I mentioned that the South is home to some of the best food I’ve had in years. Those who know me outside of this know I’m a foodie and love posting pictures of my food adventures. Below is a slideshow of some of the places I had the opportunity to dine at. My only regret is that I didn’t eat at more restaurants, next time.

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-Cicada are the most annoying insects in existence. We get it guys you want sex before you die but, the morning is not the time, no time is a good time. Every damn tree I went by on my morning runs were home to ear shattering screams of passion and sexual frustration. These Cicadas were thirsty and I ain’t talking about “I need Gatorade to quench my thirst thirsty”, I’m talking about the “gimme sex”, “Let me slide in yo DM”, “let me put it in you just once”, or “just the tip” thirsty. Seriously, fuck you guys.

-Don’t get me started on the damn mosquitoes, those things always go for my damn legs. I got other extremities and they go for my legs. I think my calfs are sexy too but please fuck off. Seriously they should make a brand of bug repellent called “fuck off” instead of “off”.

-I grew up listening to an Outkast song called “Spaghetti Junction” not realizing the title was in reference to this mess of a highway junction.IMG_4367

-The south makes excessive use of giant billboards and signs that can be seen from the highway. It’s like they trying to say “Hey! You’ve been driving for hours and I bet your fatass is hungry, pull up and eat boy, I know you want some Steaks n’ Shakes, maybe a nice juicy burger, come on, pull over!”.

-I don’t know what’s more persuasive, the food billboards or the cry of sexually frustrated Cicadas.

-Some of the billboards can be a bit interesting, you better pray your kid isn’t awake when you pass by this lovely sign, God forbid you have to find an elaborate way to explain to them what “love stuff is” or, God forbid your child is tech savvy, has a phone with no parental controls and they decide to Google this.love-stuff

-And just in case your forgot you were in the damn south,IMG_4458

-The property values in the south are insanely low, so low I’m considering buying a home down here.

-There’s a Chick Fil A and Waffle House every mile and the lines at Chick Fil A are nuts. The restaurant is great until you decide you want to go on a Sunday. If you’re craving Chick Fil A on a Sunday then fuck you, down in the South they take the Lord’s day pretty seriously and therefore no one should have to work on a Sunday.

-My family went nuts over the peach shakes over there and totally lost their shit when we went one last time and we found out the peach shakes were discontinued for the season.

-No I did not sneak any broads back from Atlanta, that’s called human trafficking and we here at the Epic Autistic don’t condone that sort of thing (technically I’m a one man wrecking crew but I like to represent myself as an entire organization).

-Now if you manage to buy a broad their own plane ticket and get them on your flight and you both consent to joining the mile high club then we’re all in the clear.

-To the people who have joined the Mile High Club, that sort of thing can’t be comfortable can it? God forbid you hit turbulence while you’re up there.

-You’d think there would only be Atlanta Falcons fans down here but there are a surprising number of Green Bay Packers fans here.

-I went to a market and was super excited to see the one lone Patriots fan.

-I also got excited to see the one Dunkin Doughnuts in ages. Where I come from there’s a DD on every block so seeing one by itself was weird.

-Hotlanta International Airport is a hot fucking mess. I’ve never seen such a disorganized crew of people in my life. These guys are dancing around like headless chickens.

My experience down here was a blast and could do with out the nightmare that is the TSA check points, pat downs and random bag searches (don’t put muffins in your carry on folks, apparently sneaking edibles and food laced with drugs is a thing). It was a trip that was done too soon and I can’t wait to go back. This south provided for some pretty interesting adventures and made for a great summer thus far. It’s been real ATL,

Stay classy….

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2 thoughts on “I Got Broads In Atlanta (Southern Hospitality)

  1. Nice article, but that picture isn’t spaghetti junction. It’s roughly 10-15 miles north of there. Have a blessed day though :))

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