You’re probably wondering where I’ve been for the last two and a half months? It feels weird logging in to here to write another blog entry after so long. I’ve come up with many excuses when I go long periods of time without writing but, I promise you’ll love this excuse; it’s excuse that some people in my life have been waiting years to hear from me. In many blogs as of late, I’ve half joked about my mother feeling compelled to push/encourage me to write a book about my life. I’ve kicked and screamed for years about it but, in May I finally got the push I’ve needed to really churn away to put together something to remember. Writing this book has been a really interesting experience that has allowed me to learn about myself while making sense of a life that has been filled with confusion, heartbreak, disappointment and, joy. I present to you guys a sample chapter from my book. It’s a re-imagining of “Genesis” from the bible in my awesome writing style. It may seem out of place in a story about Autism but, it will make sense towards the end of the sample and, within the context of the whole story. Without further adieu, enjoy!
“And God said, “Let there be light,” and there was light.”
In the beginning, God performed this awesome magic trick scientists refer to as The Big Bang in which he makes time and space collapse on itself to explode a bunch of rocks and, balls of gas into existence. After that he spent most of his time decorating this one planet more than the others. He first invented dinosaurs but, they proved to be too dangerous so he shot a fucking comet down on this giant hunk of rock in order to kill them and start over. He then made smaller versions of the terrible beasts that ravaged this land. Along with these critters, God created a man. He had this one man give names to every animal in existence. No one’s entirely sure how one man could give names to every single critter but, he did it. As time passed, this man felt super lonely. God knocked him the fuck out, harvested one of his ribs and, transformed it into a woman. When Adam awoke, he looked forward at God’s new marvel. He then looked down both at himself and the woman and it finally clicked. It was on this day he realized that the one eyed monster between his legs served a purpose other than expelling water from his body.
Adam and Eve would enjoy their days in the garden eating, having sex, eating some more, having more earth shattering sex. It was everything these two could ever want. With immortality, an endless supply of food and, gratuitous amounts of sex, you have to wonder what could possibly go wrong. How could someone possibly ruin a good thing like this? You’d have to do a lot wrong to fuck this all up. Well on this mortal coil we like to call earth, it’s pretty fucking easy to ruin a good thing and it would come from the place you least expect it. You see, one of the animals that Adam so graciously named was about as cunning as con artists convincing a bunch or poor people that a bunch of rich politicians ruined their life.
Now apparently there was this one tree in the garden that God told the two love birds not to eat from. Seriously, what’s the point of this tree being there if no one can eat from it? That’s like your brother putting a giant piece of cake in the fridge and being like “don’t eat this or, I’ll tell mom”. Anyways, the love birds were allowed to eat from every tree in the garden but one. How hard could this be? Now this serpent comes out of nowhere and starts convincing these guys that God is holding out on them and that they could become Gods. At first they’re not convinced but, after a while Eve gives in. She then convinces Adam that this is the best decision he’ll ever make in his life. It’s what your parents imagine the neighborhood drug dealer being like. They both start eating from this tree only to realize that they’re naked. Like, this whole time they were in the garden and they didn’t know their goodies were exposed.
God came knocking like the police busting up an underage college party. These poor fools covered up their goodies after realizing they were naked. When God realized they had eaten from the one tree he specifically told them not to eat from, he was pissed. First he found the serpent, stripped him of his arms and, made that motherfucker slither on his belly. He next banished to two love birds from the garden and blocked it off for all of eternity. For the next couple of years, their offspring would prove to be some bad apples (pun woefully intended). God realized things were getting bad and would have to start over for the second time. He already shot a comet at the earth, how could he top shooting a comet at a planet? He got the best of his creations to gather all the animals, stuff them in a giant ark and, float on the sea for 40 days as he drowned his creations to start over. It’s like when you’re watching a ton a porn, get a nasty virus that fucks everything up so you have to reformat the drive and, start from scratch.
A lot of crazy shit happened after that flood. Some mass exodus, a guy killing his brother, some guy so obedient to God he almost sacrificed his own son, God’s own son gracing the earth with some really dope bars about love, forgiveness and, mercy. Over the years we’d have technological advancements, colonization, more technological advancement, more colonization, slavery, plagues, famine, great depressions, wars, depressions, more wars, mass genocides, segregation, revolutions, coups, drugs, etc. The earth was a crazy place but, it was about to get crazier. God wasn’t done just yet and, he was about to create something that would flip this world on its head. He had spent quite a bit of time perfecting this marvel which would change the lives of everyone it graced. This marvel was far from conventional; On the surface it didn’t look like much and many would severely underestimate it’s potential but, with time people would come to be wowed and amazed. I’m afraid it isn’t the second coming of Jesus, y’all aren’t ready for that. This marvel doesn’t come anywhere close to the second coming of Jesus but, it’ll definitely build the post credits scene in a Marvel movie sort of hype. On March 28th, 1988, God said “Let there be Flemmings”!
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