Russian Roulette: An Autistic Guy’s Lens Into Online Dating

Guess what time it is, guess what time it is! It’s time for another exciting installment of the blog from yours truly and the best place to experience life’s adventures through the eyes of a guy so sees the world in the most literal way possible. I’m about as literal as syllables dancing in your cereal. So this blog is about exactly what it implies, my adventures in the online dating sphere. After spending the summer being such an emotional wreck and admittedly even crying myself to sleep some nights (yeah I’m kind of pathetic), it was time go get off my sorry ass, grab life by the horns and start shopping the market once again for Mrs. Right, easier said than done right? Definitely easier said than done. Those who have read my blogs know that I suck at talking to most women and emotionally it’s difficult for me to emotionally connect with them let alone anyone unless I truly like them or feel safe. I promise I’m not picky, it just don’t always have an easy time with people. Trying to find people in person got pretty frustrating so I decided to delve back into something I told myself I’d never try again, online dating.

Oh good old online dating, the game where you sift through hundreds of profile pictures to see who looks physically appealing followed by rummaging through their profile to see if their personality matches the pretty face. When two and two mesh together you get to write your potential date what amounts to the a cover letter, send it and hope they write back. You rinse and repeat until someone is willing to give you the light of day, from there you go through what amounts to a pre screening and if you pass that you get to go on a date that amounts to a job interview that is about as unpredictable as a quiet toddler outside of their play pen. Maybe things progress, maybe things fall flatter than fake punt executed on 4th & 3 utilizing a bizarre illegal formation or a slant route on the 1 yard line with the best running back in the league (too soon?). Online dating is a whole mess of unpredictable that can either make your situation better or do even more damage to your self esteem.

Now I actually started online dating as far back as my junior year of college and have been on and off with it. I’d start, get really frustrated then quit, gain hope, start again and the cycle continues like washing clothes in a shady laundromat on a Saturday. After a while I quit all together to attempt to peruse relationships in real life and that totally turned out well (blatant sarcasm). The first relationship was okay but it could never truly get off the ground and the second one was flawless but out of no where it just crashed and burned like an oil rig jackknifing into a wall of explosives. It didn’t seem like that on the surface but honesty, I didn’t know my heart was capable of shattering into that many pieces. I decided to get back into online dating because I realized I was way more of a crafty writer than I was several years ago and needless to say, it has been pretty interesting. I wasn’t sure how I could flesh my experiences into several paragraphs so here is a list of my experiences in list for.

  1. Back in my day we sat intently at our computers looking for potential mates and now we can disappoint ourselves on the go with the power of mobile technology.
  2. Who the fuck pays for online dating? I get it weeds out the shady people but $24 a month? (I’m talking to you Catholic Singles). Do I really have to pay that much just to be able to message people. With that money I could go to a bar, buy a few drinks and mingle, oh wait, that didn’t work in the first place and that’s why I’m here right? Okay you win…..
  3. No profile pictures? Why would you go on a dating site without a profile pic? I understand you don’t want to be judged by your cover but then how do I know you’re not a bot?
  4. There are quite a few people on OK Cupid that I know in real life. It’s kind of weird at times going on their profiles. You almost want to make things even more awkward and write message them saying “fancy seeing you on here” just for shits and giggles.
  5. Funny story, I was looking at people near me on Catholic Singles and I stumbled upon the old profile of one of my ex’s. I laughed for five minutes because I was just baffled by my luck. Catholic Match has a wonderful sense of humor.
  6. If you read the answers to certain questions on Ok Cupid, you’ll learn rather quickly who’s willing to be in an interracial relationship and who doesn’t and it’s kind of sad knowing there aren’t people willing to give it a shot.
  7. It’s also kind of sad that women blatantly have to tell people on their profiles that they’re not interested in casual sex or dick pics. Really guys? Really? What happen to flowers? No one cares about your dicks! No sane woman will ever say “hey nice dick, I totally want to go out with you” and I hope never to meet the type of women who are that thirsty. Oh wait, I have met women that thirsty, it was literally a decent amount of my college campus. No one needs to see your dick guys.
  8. Sending messages to women brings me back to the days of job hunting. You send many messages and you’ll be lucky if you hear back from anyone and can be the most discouraging thing ever.
  9. There are a lot of dog haters on this site. They should really have a “must love dogs” check box that eliminates all of the people who don’t want dogs from your match list.
  10. You can always tell who’s most likely to message you back based on when they were last online.
  11. If you read their profile and everything on their is exactly everything you dream of in a mate then there’s a chance you’re messaged back……
  12. If you read their profile and you realize the two of you are a perfect match then there’s also a chance not getting messaged back.
  13. Some days I feel like forces beyond my control sprinkled magical woman repellant on me.
  14. I feel like online dating seems like the perfect way to judge a book by its cover in the worse way possible. At least in person you look like an asshole if you ignore someone when they just want to say hello.
  15. There are times when online dating seems convenient but there are other times when talking to people in real life seems way more practical.
  16. I can’t seem to win online or in person, some times I wonder if I’ll ever win.
  17. They’re not messing around when they say nice guys finish last.  Some women confuse me, y’all say you want a nice guy but then you friend zone them, date a prick then rant about how there are no nice guys left when really, you left all of them in the friend zone.
  18. Ok Cupid has this interesting feature where it will tell you if someone looked at your profile. This is a great way to know if that wonderful girl you messaged looked at your profile and decided to move on.
  19. This whole process is kind of wearing me out emotionally, I shouldn’t let this crap get to me but I do.
I’m pretty emotionally worn out in the worse way possible. I feel kind of numb to all of this and feel like giving up on the whole dating thing. If it happens it happens but if not then at least I have my video games and blankets to keep me warm at night. I’m just tired of being disappointed all them time. I get my hopes up and they just fall faster than rain on a shitty day Maybe I’ll find someone, maybe I won’t. I just wish I wasn’t in this mess in the first place but as my mother says, everything happens for a reason. I can hear her right now saying those exact words in her Haitian accent. I don’t know what other adventures life has to take me on and I hope you found my accounts of online dating to be entertaining. Hopefully I’ll have something other than my train wreck of a love life to rant about the next time I’m on here. Stay classy folks….
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