There Is No One Alive Who Is Youer Than You (Shameless Plugs)

There are honestly way too many words to describe the last few months. To sum it all up, the last few months have been a bigger mess than your living room after Christmas presents have been unwrapped. The last six months have been such a mess that your toddler’s high chair would be jealous. Your child’s bedroom ain’t got nothing on how much of a mess the last couple of months have been. Move over NFC East (football division), what if I told you there was a dating life that was a bigger mess than you guys? And the saga continues like horror movies that can’t decide if they’ve released their last film or if they plan on dropping another shitty sequel. My romance life has decided on shitty sequels because it can’t seem to decide on an epic finisher like a Mortal Kombat player deciding if they want Liu Kang to finish you with a Bicycle Kick or if they want him to transform into a dragon and bite the top half of your body off. 

So when we last left off, I had plunged into the abyss that was online dating. Seeing as I’m one of the wittiest writers you’ve met I thought I had a shot at winning that battle with my words, turns out that every shot was more of a miss than Storm Troopers on a good day. I messaged over 100 women, chatted with about 6 and went on dates with only two. I felt really good about the first person but it turns out she didn’t feel the same way about me. I don’t know if I lost her with the voice that sounds like Donatello except the pitch is on low and someone broke the damn knob or the fact that I mentioned that I was on the spectrum after telling her I wrote a blog about it or that I just wasn’t attractive enough for her, I don’t fucking know but it did drive me nuts for a bit. The second girl I dated seem extremely promising, we both had much in common we hit it off extremely well. Everything was going great but it turns out she just wasn’t ready to continue that process.

In the whirlwind of sending messages, going on dates, getting rejected, being ignored, it’s pretty easy to do damage to your self esteem. The whole process ran a damn train over my self esteem, a self esteem that seemed pretty fragile after getting dumped. It’s like, you’ve finally found all of the pieces of your shattered heart and managed to Frankenstein it together with cheap glue only for people to play hackey sack with it. By the end of it all, I felt so empty and broken. You know deep down it isn’t you but when very few people are willing to give you a chance it really eats at your worth. It got easier and easier to ask myself what was wrong with me than to realize the ugly truth; People are so dead set on what they want that if you don’t have what they’re looking for or fireworks don’t go off when they meet you, you’re nothing to them, you’re what Tinder users describe as a “swipe left”. It’s an extremely demoralizing feeling, especially when you have to experience it over 100 times. If you don’t go into the whole thing knowing your worth then it becomes all too easy to lose your sense of it.

A huge part of discovering your worth is finding out what sets you apart from the rest of the fish in this giant ocean called life, an ocean full of fish that are willing to stand by your side, fish that leave your side when the sharks come and, sharks that will tear you limb to limb. In the last few weeks I’ve had to re learn my worth because at some point between the months of October and December, it got lost like a dog in a book read in an Adam Sander movie. As Adam Sandler’s character stated, “If your dog gets lost you don’t look for an hour then call it quits. You get your ass out there and you find that fucking dog”. If your worth gets lost you get your ass out there and you find your fucking worth. Easier said than done right? It’s easier to find what’s wrong with you than what makes you awesome but when you it’s said and done, you have more good than bad about you. I decided I’d start by listing some of my own good qualities. The purpose of this isn’t to gloat or be cocky, it’s to remind myself what makes me awesome in the first place, even when others won’t see it. Without further adieu, here is a shameless plug for none other than myself,

  1. If you date me, you’ll NEVER have to bring your computer to the Geek Squad or Genius Bar. Those guys can take a hike once I’ve come into the picture. You’ll never have to pay to get your computer fixed ever again.
  2. I’ve become quite the pro at assembling home theater systems. From speaker placement to artful wire management, your living room will sound like a movie theater in no time.
  3. I have a great taste in music and can make epic playlists. Road trips? I’ve got a playlist for that. Dinner on a rooftop? I’ve got a playlist for that too. Making love? Well I don’t have a playlist for that one just yet but when it gets to that point, I’ll make a playlist so awesome you’ll want to experience it again (wink wink).
  4. I love food and I eat good so I’ll feed you good if you stick around long enough. We could kick it at a diner or we can get fancy at one of my favorite expensive seafood places or I can cook you a killer breakfast.
  5. Speaking of killer breakfasts, I make a mean Belgian Waffle using a recipe passed down from my mother. You like pancakes? I’ll make you a stack! You want breakfast for dinner? You got it.
  6. I’ve been reading maps since I was six and I house tons of useless knowledge pertaining to interstate highways so you’ll NEVER get lost when you drive with me. Just read the blog post “The Hoarders of Sometimes Useless Knowledge” and you’ll see just how far that knowledge spans.
  7. I’m what I like to call the MacGyver of technology. Being a bit of a cheapskate has granted me the rare ability to repurpose older devices and Jerry-Rig different types of devices to make one that serves multiple purposes beyond their intended ones. The same way a good coach can find multiple different ways to maximize their players, I’ve learned to maximize a myriad of devices in order create new devices with newer purposes.
  8. When I really like something, I’ll devote ALL my energy to it so if I really like you then just use your imagination when thinking of how awesome that is.
  9. Video games have taught me the art of mastering EVERYTHING and I can learn pretty quickly from mistakes so I’ll let you use your imagination once again (wink wink).
  10. I’m a pretty old school guy and don’t believe in “chill”. While a night in once in a while is good, I still like the art of bringing flowers to your door, holding the door, walking you to your door, long walks while holding hands, and just cuddling with no strings attached.
  11. As mentioned above, my wire management skills are on point. I’ve made the messiest office spaces look like new and can make the messiest entertainment centers look as neat as the ones in furniture store.
  12. I’m a pro a rearranging rooms and a pro at the clean up process that’s associated with that.
  13. I’m a pretty blunt person so if you want good, raw, honest, and brutal advice then you know exactly who to go to.
  14. I’m one of the most loyal people you’ll ever meet, that and I’m too nerdy, geeky, and quirky for anyone to steal me from you.
  15. As you can see from my blogs, my writing skills are on point so expect expertly crafted love letters and if we ever get that far, an expertly crafted wedding vow that will make you cry a bigger river of tears than a Justin Timberlake song or your money back.
Now as for online dating I got rid of my profiles because I’m way too old school for this shit. Unfortunately it’s brought back to light the problem that made me flock to online dating in the first place, I can’t pickup women to save my life. I honestly don’t know where or when this will end but preferably before I die would be nice, whenever that is. For now I can only hope I find someone who can see the worth I see in myself but who knows. Stay classy folks…

2 thoughts on “There Is No One Alive Who Is Youer Than You (Shameless Plugs)

  1. And you’re pretty dang fantastic! Someone will see that 🙂

    (I hemmed and hawed for way too long about commenting…feeling unsure as to whether or not it was weird for me to do so. Obviously I decided to just get over myself and comment because bloggers appreciate that!)

  2. And you’re pretty dang fabulous!! Someone will see that.

    (I hemmed and hawed regarding whether or not it was weird for me to comment but bloggers like comments…so I’ll just try to get over the slight awkward feeling)

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