As I wake up in the morning, I stare at that fucking clock. Tic Toc motherfucker it yells as I roll out my bed and proceed to do my morning routine. Five minute shower and I’m out; Racing to get ready while I stare at another clock. When everything is together I quickly rush out of my house, phone in hand. With the phone in hand I stare down at it as I trek the constantly updating bus time. As it updates, I start running up the hill in fear of missing the bus. I know I need to pay attention to my surroundings but, the moment I take my eyes off that phone another precious minute disappears into the abyss. I finally make it up the hill, panting with a minute to spare for the bus. I get on the bus and hope I can connect with a train at a decent time. As I roll into the station, there’s but a minute to spare until the train leaves. As I walk off the bus I start to get agitated. These motherfuckers are moving like they have all the damn time in the world.
“Move your fucking stroller” I scream in my head as this lady takes for ever to get of the damn bus.
People move like they have nothing to lose. Time is money and I don’t have a second of it to spend waiting for people to move. I have to get that train. There’s no way in hell I am waiting another 7-15 minutes for another one so y’all better move the fuck out of the way. I start running and running and running. I’m weaving in and out of people all while crossing and cutting like my name is Julian Edelman. I frantically pull my wallet out of my pocket so that I can get through that damn fare gate. It doesn’t read the first time due to the thickness of my wallet. I do it again until it reads. I start bolting down the stairs but this slow fuck is moving like they ain’t got places to go. I jump the rail to the empty side so I can continue running down the stairs. As I approach the train I stick my hand out like giving the door the Gronk stiff arm so that I can block the door from closing. I’m in, I’m finally in. I sit, throw the headphones on and start checking my schedule for the day. I’m also constantly refreshing the UPS page for shipping updates. 3-5 business days is too much damn time. I want my shit now. Waiting is such an agonizing experience. Waiting is like being in a desert where where the exit only reveals itself when the timer reaches zero. You have no control,, you’re just stuck. You’re a cog running on a rusted gear bit.
I finally get off at my station and have to transfer lines. Y’all are moving too damn slow up the stairs. My train could be up there ready to leave at any moment. I look over yonder to see my train boarding. A sea of slow moving sloths stand in my way. I start doing that Julian Edelman thing where I’m running while weaving in and out of people. If I just happen to bump into you then sorry, you should’ve been moving faster. I reach my train and once again relax until it’s time to move again. I’m getting way too efficient at moving quickly in large crowds. I wish I had the ability to fly or, phase through people like I was air. People are too slow for me or, maybe I’m just too fast for people. Maybe I need to slow down, appreciate life, take in the sights, enjoy the scenic route. You must be out of your fucking mind if you think I’m going to slow down. Time is money and I don’t have a second to lend. Time wasted is time you’ll never get back.
For all the years of my life, time has been one of the biggest threats to my well being. Those who know me know I can be super anal about time. I absolutely despise being late to anything. I myself won’t mind if others are late but, I hate being late. I also hate taking longer than I should when I’m travelling on foot. I walk way too fast for my own good. Time dominates my life in the worse way possible. My obsession with time has affected my ability to enjoy life. I have this “I want it now” mentality that has hurt my ability to save money and is the root cause of my struggles being single. They say you should wait for the right one to come along but, then I feel shitty because I know I could be doing something. I know I can be in control. I’ll some times spend hours in front of my window waiting for the UPS truck. When I see the truck I’ll bolt down stars before the poor guy has had a chance to get out of his truck and to my door. My mother says time is a human thing and that our creator exists outside of time. I’d like to believe that but, those fucking clocks keep taunting me. Tic Toc Tic Toc they scream. I feel like I’m in that movie with Justin Timberlake and Olivia Wilde called “In Time” I have a timer stuck on my arm that I’m always racing against. So many things to do, so little time. I hate time; If time had a face I’d punch it followed by knocking it to the ground, kicking it in the ribs and, dragging it across the ground.
I seriously wish I could enjoy life. I wish I wasn’t so obsessed with time that I get angry at everyone who doesn’t value it as much as I do. I wish I could enjoy my time single instead of wondering when I’ll get married. I wish I didn’t constantly stare at my phone to figure out where my damn package is. Some days I wish I wasn’t always staring at my phone waiting for an important phone call. Some days I wish I did’t feel as miserable when things don’t go according to my schedule. Some days I feel miserable. It’s like that game “Crusin’ the USA” where you’re trying to get to the checkpoint but, the checkpoint keeps moving away. Some days I feel absolutely miserable. Something invisible dictates my schedule. Time is a human construct that we’ve turned into our own worse enemy. It dominates everything we do. In this world, slow and steady doesn’t always win the race. Slow and steady is capable of getting left behind in the world. Surprisingly I don’t behave like this when I drive because I know any mistake made will result injury or even death but, walking is a different ball game. I don’t know why time is such a big deal to me. Maybe it’s because the Autistic mind is so good at taking things literally that clocks become intimidating. It’s just numbers and hands and yet the world is a slave to it. We’re all slaves to something we invented in order to explain the phases of the sun in relation to the revolution of this planet around the sun. There are moments where I can ignore time and it still works against me. Back in high school I’d spend hours in my basement game room getting lost in good video game or movie. There was a time when I didn’t have a clock in that room and it caused some problems. I’d go down there when the sun was up and, come back out when the sun was down. I since then put a clock down there in order to track it better in a room that doesn’t get much sunlight to begin with. There were also times when with a significant other where you’d enjoy each other’s company so much that by the time you looked back up, it was time for the both of you to go home.
Time is problematic but, it exists and we have to abide by it. I guess the best thing we can do is to enjoy it even if impossible at times. We built this entire world on time. Everything is governed by time. The only thing we can do is try to avoid letting it dominate our lives. It’s funny that this is coming from me of all people but, I really do want to find that balance between being punctual and, not letting time turn me into a mad man. I’ve been waiting for a pretty important phone call/email so I’ve been constantly watching my cellphone. The most painful part of time is waiting. I’m so restless that waiting hurts. My mind moves too fast for it’s own good. My mind was built to find every way it can to move against time rather than with it. Time is a slow moving river and I like to power raft to it’s terminus. I hope one day I can develop the coping skills needed to accept the fact that there are many things I don’t have control over. This has been another wild trip into the shoddy wiring job that is my brain.