Let’s Get Dangerous (Between A Rock and The Broad Spectrum)

They always say you should end the year on a high note, I highly doubt this post will constitute as such so work with me alright? This year has been a pretty interesting one given the events of 2015 some good and, some just absolute shit. I had high hopes for 2016 and for the most part it delivered but, there just one thing that has lingered since the middle of last year. If you’ve been avidly reading my blogs then you’re probably going “Not this shit again!”. Yup, it’s definitely this shit again but, we’re going to go down an entirely different rabbit hole and discuss an aspect of dating I’m surprised I never went in full detail about (Definitely not sex! There’s already a blog post for that). It will also chronicle my dating experiences in the last several years and bring us to a sort of dilemma I’ve been having this last week. For those who are new to my blog, the story plays out like this; I’m a single, hopeless romantic that has struggled to find a lasting romantic relationship (Yeah a love sick Autistic guy, how shocking!). Two years ago I was certain I had found my forever woman but, she broke up with me eight months later. Even before that one, I met another woman several years ago I also thought was my forever woman; That relationship also went up in flames. In between the last relationship and now, I’ve gone on three dates, none of them successful. Now the one thing that I don’t often mention about my travels is, there’s a huge difference between the two relationships I was in and, the three women I went on dates on and, a fourth formerly eligible bachelorette that met with an end that has put a sour taste in my mouth. Cough syrup has nothing on how bachelorette number 4 values the time of others. The first two women I was in a relationship with were on the spectrum, the other three weren’t.

To be brutally honest, back in college I never wanted anything to do with a woman on the Autism spectrum. To be fair though, I wanted nothing to do with myself because my self esteem was that far down the shitter. I had struggled greatly with neurotypical women in my college years. During my senior year of college, a good friend of mine suggested I tried dating an Autistic woman. My exact answer at the time was a very enthusiastic “fuck no”. I had this sick idea in my head back then that to date outside of the spectrum as an Autistic person was a crowning achievement. Growing up I struggled to connect with neurotypicals so, people thought it would be great to pair me with others “like me” not realizing how extremely different people on the spectrum are from each other. I never clicked with the people I was paired with, I always thought they were fucking weird. This however was long before I understood how different I was and had to learn to accept that. With that in mind, dating a woman on the Autism spectrum was further left field than three foul balls. I never realized until two years ago that the first woman I dated was on the spectrum. It wasn’t until my second relationship that I started to see a lot of similarities. Women on the spectrum behave differently than men so, I totally missed it the first time around. The second relationship was practically a match made in heaven. It’s like stumbling upon something you didn’t realize you needed and when you get it, you wonder where it had been your entire life. Dating a woman on the spectrum was such a great experience because they got you in a way neurotypicals never did. They knew how to give you the right amount of space, they understood all of your sensory issues. It was pure magic until the bitter end.

Towards the end of 2015 began a new adventure into the world of dating that would pair me with women I forgot I had struggled trying to date for years. I whipped together an OkCupid profile and began playing the numbers game you may never win. 100s of messages later and I ended up on a coffee date with bachelorette number one. Things seemed to go well, it was solid conversation that I thought could lead somewhere. One day later she sends a message saying that it just wasn’t going to work out, I was super confused. From my experiences the courting process takes time so, I was baffled has to how she manged to figure out in one date that things weren’t going to work out. I just couldn’t understand what women were expecting out of me and, it drove me mad. several hundred messages later and, I establish contact with bachelorette number two. We talk for a bit and eventually me for a coffee date. Things seemed promising at first; She was as nerdy as I was so, we had much in common. The first date was successful enough that I was granted the opportunity to go on a second date. After talking to her for another week, I figured out the perfect date location. She loved books so, I took her to brunch at a bookstore/cafe. It seem like a great idea and, was sure to be a winner. The date was pretty solid and, yielded much promise. I talked to her a few days later and that’s when the bomb dropped. Apparently she was never interested in dating anyone but, I seemed cool so why not. Now this would’ve been a great explanation except for a couple serious problems with her logic; Number one: Why the fuck was your profile still active if you weren’t interested in dating” Number two: Why does your OkCupid profile say you’re looking for a relationship? You’re active enough on the website where you could’ve changed it at any time to “just looking for friendship” but, you didn’t. You let me message you and went a long with it. Number three: a week or two later I went into incognito mode and browsed your profile, you never changed that shit at all nor did you deactivate your account; You know, the thing that everyone who’s not interested in dating does to show that to everyone else to avoid this. When I pieced together the fallacy of her logic I was livid, so livid I had to quit online dating for a bit in order to recollect myself.

Summer of 2016 rolls around and, after a super emo blog post about never finding love I decided to get back on the horse an try once more. I went back on to OkCupid but lone behold, the same women who were on there prior that I had messaged were still on there. There was no one new. I deactivated my account and, never looked back. I friend of mine suggested I try Catholic Match. Being Catholic I thought well why not. I decided to give it a month so, I paid the $30 subscription because I was broke and didn’t feel like fronting the other $15 for three months. I started messaging women but, it was already clear there were a few problems with this site. Non paid members can’t see the messages you send them for seven days and, there was no real indicator if who was a paid user and, who wasn’t. After a while, I started messaging a woman on there. She replied to my messages quicker than anyone has ever on a dating site. Things moved quickly and, I found myself asking her out on a date a day later. We finally met and, things seemed super promising. We had much in common and, I enjoyed conversing with her so, what could possibly go wrong? A day later I got the dreaded “it’s not going to work out message”. I stood there in the middle of one of Boston’s biggest pedestrian crossings just staring at my phone and then, looking up at the sky wondering why. I was so fucking confused because once again, I was asking myself a question I asked back in November of 2015. How the fuck does one determine compatibility on the first date? Dating reminds me a lot about my job search. You know you’re an awesome person and, you know what you can bring to the table yet no one ever gives you enough time to prove yourself. Much like a job interview, if you can’t prove yourself within the first two minutes then forget it. I remember back to the last relationship I was in and just remembering that it was never love at first sight. I never took one look at her and said “I like that one, I’LL TAKE IT”. It was a slow in gradual process where I learned to love her and, realized that she was everything I ever needed in a woman. It still blows my mind to this day that people can determine everything from compatibility and, how good of a parent will I be and, how well we’ll grow old together in a 1-2 hour date. I let my subscription lapse on my Catholic Match and once again, quit for the sake of my sanity. The rest of that summer was pretty frustrating on the dating front. I was just super lost and, felt that all hope was gone for my dating life. That was however until space opened up at the last minute for a singles mingle.

I decided to jump out of my element and, try the real life version of Catholic singles. Within the first five minutes I started asking myself what the fuck I was doing here. I guess I hadn’t had enough wine so, I spend another $12 at this bougie ass place just so that I feel right enough to talk to a bunch of random strangers face to face and, not from behind a computer screen. I felt so out of my element that day. I had decent khaki shorts, a nice black polo fresh out of the washer and, some solid converses. Everyone else was in button ups, some had ties and, the women were dressed like we were at some fancy party at some rich dude’s house. This is one of those things that I probably should have probably looked up on the internet before getting myself into. Within about two hours of being miserable, I strike up a conversation with this one girl who didn’t seem like she had a stick up her ass. She was very pleasant and, it was the first time that night that I truly enjoyed myself. I found her on social media later and, we started talking over facebook messenger at least once a week. Things seemed really great and, within a month of talking I mustered the courage to ask her out. She said yes and I was ecstatic. The next day however was when things would get really interesting. She messaged me while I was at work and asked if we could reschedule. I said yes and, gave her a list of other dates I could make. Out of nowhere she days that she’s already in a relationship. I was confused because, in the time I spent talking to her she never showed any signs of being in a relationship. Seeing as we met at an event called “singles mingle” and, seeing as I took the time to actually reach out to her and talk to her, she had to have known I was interested in her. Something about the explanation just didn’t seem right. It wasn’t so much the fact that I couldn’t accept the fact that there was someone else, it’s that the timing seemed so wrong. Most women I know throw the boyfriend card at a guy they’re not interested in earlier on but, she waited until I asked her out. The other problem is that, looking at her social media and, asking her how she spends her time, she never struck you as a person that was actually in a relationship. The other likely hood is that she met a guy at the same event and that things moved fast but, that’s extremely rare. The point is, the dots just weren’t connecting. I called out the broken logic but, in a way that made it seem like I just misinterpreted things. At that point, all I wanted was an explanation, I just wanted everything to make sense. She said nothing, her silence was the most damning thing ever. I was once again confused, why lie? I was utterly disgusted and most of all, just at a loss. I’m still at a loss.

I’m fully aware that every bunch has bad apples but, it doesn’t help that dating neurotypical women has been the equivalent of climbing a mount made of Legos and thumb tacks barefoot. It’s super frustrating and, I feel so misunderstood. A lot of the time, I’m not ever sure if I should tell women before dates that I’m Autistic or, include that sort of thing on my dating profiles. It just sucks so much. I try so hard and fall shorter than Russell Wilson throwing an interception on a slant route in the one yard line. It’s about as short as Brady throwing an interception on a two point conversion that would’ve sent a game into overtime. I guess the real question is, will I ever find a neurotypical woman that will love an Autistic guy like me and, put up with my quirks? Maybe I’m looking for love in all the wrong places, maybe I’m dating the wrong women. I don’t hate neurotypicals, I just don’t think I’m meant to date them. That has made itself known for a year and a half. The last time I ever had that raw genuine human connection was when I dated my ex. It’s a pure synergy I can’t find or rather, the women I date never give it time to form because, after one date they’re already on to looking for that movie style romance where the planets align, the type of romance that doesn’t exist. I don’t  know what to do anymore; I just hope that whether I do find love or, I’m destined to spend the rest of my life single that I come out of this unscathed. I’m sorry I couldn’t end this year on a happier note, I just have so much on my mind but, most importantly I’m just sick and tired of being so unhappy about this. I’m tired of feeling so alone even though I’m surrounded by good people. I stand in front of a fork in the road and, both have the potential for dissapointment. Do I pick the top socket or, the bottom one? If I don’t pick a socket, I’ll never know. The scariest thing about both life and love is the unpredictability. This has been another spilling of my guts by yours truly.

Stay classy…..

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