Hello world, welcome to another exciting entry from the epicness that is my blog. Today I will attempt something that another fellow blogger recommended to me over lunch. By the way before I continue you can find her blog in the link below.
Now I had a tricky time trying to figure out which me I would write myself a letter to. I’ve been through many tricky situations in my life and there were several phases of my life where a letter from my future self was needed but there was one particular moment in my life where I think I needed it the most. As a referenced in an earlier blog post, the summer of 2010 was probably one of the darkest times of my life and the first time in my life I ever contemplated suicide. I shall start this series off by writing to my 22 year old self.
Dear 22 year old me,
Hey buddy, yeah I’m talking to you. Right now you’re probably feeling extremely hopeless and think that your life bears no meaning what so ever. I know when you were on that train platform today the thought of jumping crossed your mind. Must be pretty scary to have such dark thoughts huh? Don’t worry, those thoughts scared the shit out of me too. I know deep down you don’t really want to end your life but at the same time you’re in a lot of pain and not many people understand why you’re hurting but don’t worry, I do and somewhere along the line you will meet people who actually get it and they will never judge you. I know you’re hesitant about seeing a therapist and I know you’re afraid of the stigma that comes attached with going to that office but you need some serious help. I know you feel alone and think that you will conquer this alone but this time you need to throw in the gloves on this one and let people know you’re in pain. Mom worries about you more than you’ll ever know and she know something isn’t right. Telling her will be tough and the fact that you’re battling with these thoughts will be a bitter pill for her to swallow but it’s for the best. You probably tell yourself that no one will miss you when you’re gone but you have many people in your life that you will hurt greatly by doing something as stupid as ending your life. Think about mom, and dad and your siblings, think about your friends back at college, who will give them a reason to laugh and smile? You mean more to them than you realize.
I understand how tough it is too be different and I know carrying the cross known as Autism can be super difficult but you need to pick yourself up and carry that cross with pride. That voice you hate so much, it won’t change, that’s just the way you talk and you can either let the assholes continue to mock you and feel like less of a person or you can tell everyone to suck it because at the end of the day, you’ll be in a much better place then will in a few years. I know you think that you will die alone without a woman by your side and you’ve probably convinced yourself that there is no one else out there for you but you’re so wrong. You see she’s been right under your nose the entire time and when you realize who it is no one else will matter. You will be a bit shocked at first but when the shock wears off you’ll be happy it wasn’t anybody else and despite some rough times, you will never get her out of your head, ever. Oh and those assholes who bullied you when you were younger, not many of them will be walking across a stage with a cap and gown within a year and neither of them will ever be as smart and intelligent as you.
Oh and about that purpose thing, you will do very big things without even realizing it. I know you’re still having a few doubts about being a camp counselor and I implore you to take the plunge. I promise you you’ll do more for these kids than you realize and you won’t have to do anything extraordinary, no magic tricks or gimmicks, just by being you you’ll start an engine that won’t stop. Also there’s this really awesome camper named Conor who you will meet a few years down the line. You don’t realize it now but you’ll make such a difference in his life that you’ll be the first counselor he asks about when he comes back for year two. You were meant to do big things, you’ll be so much better than those who bullied you and those who doubted you hell, all the doctors who ever said you’d never be okay would shit their pants if the ever saw the person you’re about to become.
I know it’s rough right now but stay strong and most importantly be patient, it’ll take a bit of time but there is definitely a light at the end of the tunnel. Life will continue to throw curveballs at you but I know you’ll get though the rough patches. You will meet plenty of other girls, some will probably be the trashiest you’ve ever tried to hit on. For the love of God don’t lower your standards out of desperation, the one you want to devote your energy to has always been right under your nose for quite sometime and when you clear your head a bit you’ll know exactly who I’m talking about. I know you’re thinking that it can’t happen and that it won’t workout but I promise you that though she won’t always be everything you’ve ever wanted, she’ll be everything thing you’ll ever need. I know sounds cryptic but you’ll get exactly what I’m saying when it happens. As Morpheus says in our favorite trilogy of all time, “there’s a difference between knowing the path, and walking it”. Stay strong and know that you are loved more than you realize.
Remember that girl I told you who was right under your nose? You should probably shoot her brother a text. You’re moving back to school soon and I know you’re not going to walk to Charlton every Sunday just to go to Mass. I know you love going on long walks but that is a force!