The Monster (A Tale From The Glass Prison….)

Monsters are peculiar creatures that take a myriad of different forms depending on the context. Some take the form of terrible hairy beasts, some take the form of really terrible people out to do others harm, and then there are those that take the form of our own thoughts; that voice in your head that decides to break you when you’ve begun to hit a stride. We spend so much time worrying about the first and second monsters that we seem to be completely blindsided by the third. I’ve yet to meet the first kind of monster, I have however met the other two monsters. I grew surrounded by the second type of Monster. These people came in the form of my school bullies, and sadly my own father. The third one wouldn’t manifest itself until I became and adult. The third kind of monster is a sinister being that we don’t even realize we’re dealing with until we wonder why our thought processes are so fucked. We’ve met this monster the day we realize we can’t take compliments. We’ve also met this monster the day you look in the mirror and you don’t like what you see. We’ve also met this monster the day things are going really well and you’re all of a sudden bombarded by thoughts of all the things that could possibly go wrong. It’s not a physical monster, it’s one that lives inside of your head. It’s a product of your experiences both good and bad. Now I should note that this phenomenon is very different from schizophrenia; that’s not what we’re gonna talk about here. We’re gonna talk about that train of thought, and what happens when your anxieties and doubts become an accelerant for a fire that becomes notoriously difficult to put put once it gets started. Continue reading

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The Glass Prison Redux (Breaker of Chains…)

Hello strange world! Welcome back to one of the greatest pieces of literary art you will ever read on the internet. As I look back through the year, I realize that I’m not the same person I was about eight months ago. To say that this has been a long eight months is a pure fucking understatement. I don’t even know how to describe what has felt like an eternity yet, time continues to fly by like it’s nothing. It’s a complete mind fuck to feel like you’re trapped in the same day only to blink and have weeks go by just to feel trapped in another. Time is a form of art that is just pure fuckery of all the senses in the best and worse way possible. God is an interesting being that could easily give you the short cut through the treacherous mountain but, finds it way more interesting to take you down the scenic route. He could take the main road during a snow storm but, he’ll take the untreated back roads at full speed without all season tires and still get you to your destination in one piece. Yeah, my year has been a hell of a train ride that has tested me in ways that would make 2010-2012 jealous. Now I should note that I didn’t tackle with the suicidal idealization that has caused me problems in the past; I dealt with a brand new problem that hit me harder than it has in years, anxiety. Now I wouldn’t call this full blown clinical anxiety that has me hyperventilating in a corner or, on meds; I would call it several months of being perpetually anxious over a series of events happening in my life all at once. To get a better idea of this, we need to start back at the beginning. Continue reading

Two Can Be As Bad As One (It’s The Loneliest Number Since The Number One)

It’s funny how a simple yet very deep and complex lyric from a classic Three Dog Night song can spark inspiration at 2 in the morning. As a matter of fact, it’s funny how ANYTHING can spark inspiration at 2 in the morning. The whole accord is sheer fucking irony if you ask me but, I’m up at 2 am after going to bed at a decent time so let’s get this show on the road shall we? Every now and then I’ll have these random bouts of insomnia that often come out of nowhere but are usually the result of being very anxious and restless. So what’s eating at me this time you ask? It’s the same thing that’s been eating me for almost an entire year and I honestly, I can’t believe I’m about to write another blog about it too. I probably sound like a broken record with all of these blogs about dating and what not but recently it’s all just reached a peak, it also doesn’t help that next week will mark one year of my heart getting ripped in many pieces. Me panicking at 2 am seems very well within the realm of possible scenarios that can happen to me along with some chick on an online dating site trying to hustle me out of $200, someone trying to rope me into a pyramid scheme or, some pseudo Christian cult that’s really a pyramid scheme with a dash of religion trying to recruit me but, those are all stories for another day. Continue reading

Leap of Faith

You know, some days I feel as though one of life’s biggest punchlines is an overly logical Autistic like me being brought up in the Roman Catholic faith. Now before I proceed I should note that I have nothing against the faith and honestly wouldn’t want to be anywhere else but, I have a lot of questions, too many questions, questions that leave me awake at night unable to sleep, questions that drive me to the point of mental exhaustion, questions that leave my head spinning faster than the wheels on Paul Walker’s car during a drag race (too soon?). Those who have read my blogs know that my life has been a rather eventful one, one full of enough heartbreak that it could be an entire season of Game of Thrones and it still wouldn’t scratch the surface. You’re probably wondering what me being Autistic has to do with me being Catholic. I guess this is the part where I say “buckle your seat belts guys, it’s time to take another Ms. Frizzle sanctioned trip on the Magic School Bus into the shit storm that is my head. Continue reading

The Little Machine That Could (Autism, Robots, and Artificial Intelligence)

Okay show of hands, who has watched “The Terminator Trilogy”, ‘The Matrix Trilogy”, I-Robot”, “The 13th Floor”, and “Tron”? If you have then you may have an idea of where this post is going but of course with me, you never know where ANY post is going until it gets there. Anyways, for those who haven’t seen these movies then you don’t necessarily need to know the plots, you need only to know the central theme that drives these plots. It is them concept of artificial intelligence and how a machine taught solely to follow instructions and routines can become self aware and eventually make their own decisions, their decisions usually cataclysmic. Each movie focuses on the protagonist(s) attempting to stop a rogue artificial intelligence from enslaving the entire human race. These movies shed light on a concept computer programmers had been toying with long before Hollywood existed. Now you’re probably wondering once again what this madness has to do with Autism, allow me to elaborate in a way that will blow your mind harder than snorting 15 lines of cocaine (Disclaimer: I don’t do drugs, they’re simply twisted analogies). Before we can get into the meat of this blog post, I have to tell a little tale that will tie into this blog post. Continue reading

Mister Spock, Autism, and How My Logic Ruined the Magic of Christmas

Now before I go on with this blog post I need to put up a rather big disclaimer. I do not think Spock is on the spectrum and nor will this blog post be used to try to prove that. Also, please forgive me for any inaccuracies in my part of trying to describe Spock and the Star Trek universe, I rarely watched the series and these observations are based more on the recent movies. I do however believe there are some uncanny similarities between his logic driven through process and the thought process of someone on the spectrum. Now die hard Star Trek fans who understand some of the challenges of a person with Autism will instantly know what comparisons I’m going to make but to those who don’t understand, allow me to elaborate. In Star Trek, the character of Spock is half human and half Vulcan. Spock however develops based on his Vulcan heritage. His race suppresses all emotion in favor of logic. Logic drives their thoughts and their actions and how they approach situations. Spock is no different in this regard and his logic based approach to various challenges drive certain plot lines in the series as well as his interactions and relationships with the rest of the cast. Continue reading