Let’s Talk About Sex Baby (READER DISCRETION IS ADVISED!!!!!!!!)

Alright, I’m going to stray from the norm this time around and touch on what many consider to be taboo. Remember that birds and bees story your parents told you when you were young and naive? Remember those naughty tapes you used to sneak from your uncle’s house and watch in secret when your parents were asleep? Remember when you had that one relative with a cable descrambler and flipping back and fourth between channels B21-24 and remembering the hot keys for Disney Channel and Cartoon Network was your life? Well sit down children, because we’re about to learn about the most important subject ever from someone that society thinks has no business elaborating on it. We’re gonna talk about sex. Now I know what you’re thinking, how can an Autistic person know anything about sex let alone elaborate on it? If this is your rational then congratulations, you’re part of the problem and I hope you feel good about yourself. Now I should note that I’m still a virgin (“VIRGIN?! YOU MEAN WE’RE TAKING SEX ADVICE FROM SOMEONE WHOSE NEVER SEEN A VAGINA OUTSIDE OF PORN?!” Yes guys, you are about to read sex advice from someone whose never gotten laid, just hear me out). Continue reading

There Is No One Alive Who Is Youer Than You (Shameless Plugs)

There are honestly way too many words to describe the last few months. To sum it all up, the last few months have been a bigger mess than your living room after Christmas presents have been unwrapped. The last six months have been such a mess that your toddler’s high chair would be jealous. Your child’s bedroom ain’t got nothing on how much of a mess the last couple of months have been. Move over NFC East (football division), what if I told you there was a dating life that was a bigger mess than you guys? And the saga continues like horror movies that can’t decide if they’ve released their last film or if they plan on dropping another shitty sequel. My romance life has decided on shitty sequels because it can’t seem to decide on an epic finisher like a Mortal Kombat player deciding if they want Liu Kang to finish you with a Bicycle Kick or if they want him to transform into a dragon and bite the top half of your body off.  Continue reading

Russian Roulette: An Autistic Guy’s Lens Into Online Dating

Guess what time it is, guess what time it is! It’s time for another exciting installment of the blog from yours truly and the best place to experience life’s adventures through the eyes of a guy so sees the world in the most literal way possible. I’m about as literal as syllables dancing in your cereal. So this blog is about exactly what it implies, my adventures in the online dating sphere. After spending the summer being such an emotional wreck and admittedly even crying myself to sleep some nights (yeah I’m kind of pathetic), it was time go get off my sorry ass, grab life by the horns and start shopping the market once again for Mrs. Right, easier said than done right? Definitely easier said than done. Those who have read my blogs know that I suck at talking to most women and emotionally it’s difficult for me to emotionally connect with them let alone anyone unless I truly like them or feel safe. I promise I’m not picky, it just don’t always have an easy time with people. Trying to find people in person got pretty frustrating so I decided to delve back into something I told myself I’d never try again, online dating. Continue reading

The Glass Prison (Take These Chains…)

For however long it takes you to read this blog I’m going to be more honest with you than I have in a while. No we’re not taking into question what I’ve written in my blogs, it’s the Flemmings Beaubrun that I’ve presented to you in the last three months. I’ve shown you all a Flemmings that seemed to have it all together, a Flemmings that was happy and seemed like nothing phased him at all. The problem is that for the last three months I’ve been wearing a mask but as time has passed that mask has been getting harder and harder to wear. Lying to people about my emotions has gotten pretty tiring actually. I’ve gotten so fatigued about lying the last three months that I wonder how Commissioner Goodell of the NFL has been able to play that game for seven. I’ve had it with lying so I’m going to explain to you the whirlwind emotions I’ve had to juggle for an entire summer. Shit, even clowns would be jealous with all the complicated shit I’ve had to juggle. Now in my last blog post I briefly mentioned the unfortunate end of what I though would be a very promising relationship. Was hasn’t been brief however is the emotional and psychological toll this break up has had on me for the last three months. Now while I’ve developed enough coping methods and grown enough to avoid flirting with the suicidal thoughts I had to battle through the last time I was this depressed, it still has been one of the toughest summers in recent memory. Continue reading

Small Talk, Big Problems

There’s this gorgeous looking lady at the gym I go to, like gorgeous. I’ve yet to see her smile but she looks like she has a million dollar smile. Did I mention she’s got glasses? I’m a sucker for women with glasses. In a perfect world I should be able to walk up to her and start flirting and yet I’m paralyzed with fear. I don’t even know where to start or how to get her attention in a way that I don’t seem like some random guy going to strike conversation with her when she’s trying to workout. There’s also this other gorgeous lady that takes the same bus and train I do. I can’t muster up the courage to talk to her either. In my life time the two women I’ve dated had made the first move so I’m not very good at initiating anything. I’m about as bad at initiating things as a someone too distracted by a movie to feel up their significant other when their practically putting up the Bat Symbol (For those wondering about the ever so lovely girl I dedicated a blog to a few months back, that shit is over like a game of Mario when the Nintendo breaks. I really don’t want to get into the details but the I’ve got a story of my tragic love life larger than all of the Game of Thrones books combined and it just got enough pages to make a replica of the tree that all of that paper came from). I sit awake some nights wondering why I suck so much with women and it all goes back to one of the biggest struggles someone on the spectrum can have. Continue reading

Love Actually (It’s Still a Better Love Story Than Twilight)

If anyone ever tells you that falling love is this magical feeling where the planets align and you’re in this blissful mood where everything is awesome or that falling in love is like a Disney movie where all the animals start singing and everything is colorful and shit then they lied man, they lied. They lied so hard their nose is longer than a giraffes neck. Their nose is so long it swings in pendulum fashion like Ron Jeremy’s manhood (please don’t look that thing up, you’ll go blind). Falling in love isn’t as simple or fun or colorful as people make it out to be. Falling in love can be the most overwhelming and uncomfortable feeling one ever experiences. While many call this phenomenon love, I personally like to call it “Oh Goddamnit! Not this shit again! Anything but this!”. The bible claims that love doesn’t hurt but that’s honestly the biggest lie I’ve heard since Aaron Hernandez’s claim of innocence (too soon?). Love is awkward, uncomfortable, overwhelming, exciting, and beautiful all at the same damn time. Continue reading

Angry Autistic Rants Vol. 1: The Valentines Day Massacre (Another Trip Through my Tragic Love Life or Lack Thereof)

WARNING: STRONG LANGUAGE!!!! READER DISCRETION IS ADVISED!!!!!!

Welcome to Angry Autistic Rants, a sub series of posts where I choose something that bothers/irritates me and blogs about it with nothing but raw emotion. For this post we shall dive into a holiday that I find utterly pointless and should die in a fire.

As you reach the end of January, you instantly start to notice that there’s something ominous in the air. You can’t quite put your finger on it but you know that there’s something off. There’s an influx of jewelry commercials, there are way too many love songs on the radio but it all comes full circle when you walk into a store and are reminded what day is around the corner. Suddenly your mind is filled with flashbacks as pain as the feelings of loneliness come rushing back. Your heart starts to hurt as you are now reminded that Valentines Day is approaching.  There aren’t enough words in the world or pages in a book or even space on the wordpress database to describe how much I despise Valentines Day. I could write a Harry Potter sized novel about how much I hate the day and it still wouldn’t scratch the surface. Every year when I walk into a CVS, Walmart, or any other store with a “Valentines Day” section it tends to trigger a ton of memories, memories of my attempts at love gone terribly wrong. If I could start fires and contain them to one section and keep people safe in the process I would torch the Valentines section of every single store I walked into. Scary shit huh? I promise I’m not some pyromaniac and that thought of torching that section is more of a twisted fantasy created from my sometimes fucked imagination than it is an urge or impulse. Those reading are now wondering what could have possibly happened on the only day in the calender year that we treat our significant others like kings and queens to warrant such rage and sadistic thoughts. A lot went wrong in my life for me to get to this point. Now in earlier blog posts I have covered some of my romance woes  but I never exactly started at the beginning but before I do, I have to share a few of my older My Space blog posts in order to get that pain across. Back in high school I blogged of my life but in those days I blogged with nothing but raw unfiltered emotion. The next three blogs are from an angry, lonely, depressed, and even sexually frustrated 17-20 year old me on the matter of this most unfortunate holiday.

Continue reading