Those Days Where Your Best Doesn’t Feel Like it’s Good Enough

Posted on December 19, 2013 by flem0328

So one day I’m at an arcade playing DDR (Dance Dance Revolution) and as usual, a crowd forms around me because it isn’t everyday that they see people who could move so fast with such precision. When the song is said and done with, everyone applauds and is totally floored by my performance. Everyone is in awe and people think it’s the greatest thing they’ve seen. Everyone watching believes it was incredibly stellar, everyone except me. You see, every seems to be in awe that I managed to hit about 490/500+ steps in one song. I on the other hand am in awe that I missed those ten arrows and should have been able to hit them. While everyone is in awe about what they just saw, I’m sitting there analyzing EVERYTHING I did wrong. There is no longer “I did the best I could”, there is only “that totally sucked, I can do so much better, that was pathetic”. In those moments I realized that I ‘m perfectionist and that I seem t never take what I can get. Continue reading →

Holding Onto Anger is like Drinking Poison and Expecting the Other Person to Die

Posted on December 13, 2013 by flem0328

A wise person once said that “Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die”. What would happen if despite some of your best efforts there are times where you can’t help but continue to take sips of that poison because long after the fact you’ve been hurt, the memory can sometimes drive you mad, it stares you in your face like a nasty scar. The wound maybe closed but the memories will always remain. You continue to sip that poison because some days the memory hurts so badly that you feel as if the crime justifies the hate. Continue reading →

That Place Where Everyone Is Just As Broken As You

Posted on December 5, 2013 by flem0328

WARNING: SOME STRONG LANGUAGE! READER DISCRETION IS ADVISED!

Ugh, it’s that time again, that time that comes every one to three months where I have to take the walk of shame but to where you ask? It’s sometimes the last place you’d like to be, especially when it because the reason you’re there in the first place involves a rather sensitive issue that I’ve covered in a few blogs. As you take that walk you try to recount where you’ve been emotionally the last few months and if you happen to encounter any “triggers” in your travels through the minefield known as life. It is in those moments this you remember that once again it’s time to see your psychiatrist.
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Me, Awesome? You’re Not Lying Are You?

Posted on November 6, 2013 by flem0328

So imagine going a huge chunk of your life with people doubting you everywhere you go. Imagine getting things thrown at you on a daily basis because people thought you were weird and there for it was funny to get cheap thrills off of making fun of the special kid. Imagine people constantly calling you a retard or SPED monkey or people waiting for you to talk in class so that they could mock your voice. Imagine people forcing themselves to be nice to you because you’re so strange to them that they have to try incredibly hard to find redeeming qualities that clearly don’t exist to them, they try so hard that they no longer come off as genuine, as a matter of fact they seem so fake that it makes Santa and the tooth fairy or bigfoot or the end of the rainbow become the realest things ever. Imagine dealing with so many fake people that when the genuine ones come along, even they feel fake. You constantly put up a wall when people get too close because you fear getting hurt. As genuine as those trying to get close are, you fear that it may be all another facade. The scariest thing of them all is when people tell you that they like you or that you’re awesome or that you’re a great friend. Continue reading →

THE ANTIDOTE IS A TRAP KIDS, RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted on September 16, 2013 by flem0328

Right now some of you are probably confused as to what I may be alluding to for this next legendary entry and others probably already know what I’m going to be ranting about. To get the concept across however, I will have to educate you on a scenario from one of my favorite video games of all time that will hopefully serve as the perfect analogy for tonight’s rant.

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Forever Loved ~For Those Who Need It the Most~

Posted on September 10, 2013 by flem0328

In honor of National Suicide Prevention Day I will be writing a blog post that needs to be written. Now in my earlier posts I have touched upon my issues with depression and my battles with suicidal thoughts. Tonight’s blog post however won’t be all about me, It’ll be all about you and those who need it the most. Now in those moments when I contemplated ending my life it was usually after feeling a sense of hopelessness but there was another component to this twisted puzzle that I never truly delved into until I really started examining myself.

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Perseverance is Failing 19 Times and Succeeding the 20th

Posted on September 7, 2013 by flem0328

Imagine a world where in order to get to where you needed to everyone around you simply had to ride an elevator while you on the other hand constantly had to take the stairs because for you the elevator was always broken. Suddenly the climb up those stairs became the equivalent of climbing Mount Everest without a map and to add insult to injury the weather gets turbulent and before you know it you’re left to your own device to weather the storm because not many people feel that they can help you out of the shithole that life has graciously decided it needed to throw you in. Take this wonderfully horrific analogy and you have my life in the jungle known as an education.

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A Letter to My Younger Self #1

Posted on September 4, 2013 by flem0328

Hello world, welcome to another exciting entry from the epicness that is my blog. Today I will attempt something that another fellow blogger recommended to me over lunch. By the way before I continue you can find her blog in the link below.

Perfectly Imperfecta

Now I had a tricky time trying to figure out which me I would write myself a letter to. I’ve been through many tricky situations in my life and there were several phases of my life where a letter from my future self was needed but there was one particular moment in my life where I think I needed it the most. As a referenced in an earlier blog post, the summer of 2010 was probably one of the darkest times of my life and the first time in my life I ever contemplated suicide. I shall start this series off by writing to my 22 year old self.

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Not Your Kind of People

Posted on September 2, 2013 by flem0328

For the longest time I’ve tried to find a song that describes my life in a nutshell. I’ve found a few that have come close but none of them really hit the nail on the head until now. I was listening through the albums of Garbage, a band from my favorite year of music (90s baby!!!!!!!!!) when I stumbled upon a song from their most recent album that felt as if it were written for me and all the other outcasts of society. As I listened through the song I suddenly felt a strong connection with the lyrics, especially during the second verse. In a nutshell the song is about being different from the rest of society and how different is always better. Now I’m not going to break down the entire song word for word but I will choose some sections of the song and explain the significance of the said section in my life.

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From East to West Explorers Camp’s the Best

Posted on August 26, 2013 by flem0328

Hello world, The Epic Autistic is back from another epic week with Easter Seals’ Explorers Camp. Once again it was a phenomenal week that helped me grow as a person and a leader. This year was particularly interesting in the sense that I got a very imaginative camper who at times was a mirror image of me in my youth. Unfortunately it was through him that I was once again reminded of the harsh realities of being different.

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