Somewhere I Belong

We live in a world where we’re constantly trying to fit in somewhere. Whether it’s in school or at your job or even in your families, we’re always molding ourselves to the expectations of others, usually at the cost of our personalities and the things we truly love. Fitting in for anyone can be tricky, fitting in for anyone on the spectrum can be a an entirely different bag of worms. Those who know me and those who have followed my blogs will know that fitting in hasn’t been the easiest thing for me. Growing up I never felt like I belonged anywhere. Through much of my childhood I filled that void with video games and cartoons, the only escape I had from what was a very confusing and chaotic childhood (Read the blog “Those Awkward Times When Game Consoles Understood Me Better Than People Ever Would….” for details on the subject). The love for video games followed me through my youth and eventually my adulthood. Over the years I grew to be very nerdy and geeky and that truly set me apart from people, mostly in the worse way possible. It’s not very easy for me to make friends with any joe schmo. Realizing that a lot of people, women especially don’t dig the whole nerd thing I usually have to turn that part of me off when I meet brand new people I don’t know all that well in order to avoid weirding them out or giving them the wrong idea. Continue reading

But If I’m So Smart, Why Does Everyone Hate Me (Picking Up the Pieces of Your Bullied Child’s Psyche)

TRIGGER WARNING AND PARENTHOOD SPOILER ALERT

So those who watched last night’s episode of Parenthood were greeted to probably one of the most hear breaking talks you will ever have with a child who is different from the rest. To those who watch the show and haven’t watched last night’s episode I suggest you stop reading this and go watch it on “On Demand” or “Hulu” or “nbc.com” or whatever means you have of catching up on episodes. Go on, I’ll be waiting right here. Well what are you waiting for? Go! I’m just gonna stand here as awkwardly as Dora the Explorer does when she waits for you to answer her questions aimed at her “audience”.

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The R Rating of a Different Kind

It’s been quite sometime since I wrote one of these and honestly, the reasons for my absence are irrelevant. I’m back and I’m ready to kick some more ass. Apparently this month within the disabilities community is “Spread the Word to End the Word” month. Now I had no idea this month was devoted that cause which is a little sad because it is a reminder of how out of touch I have been with the world as of late. For those who are completely unaware of what word I’m talking about, it’s a word a lot of us use very nonchalantly and even I have been guilty of using this word a lot in my youth. It’s a word we use so much we sometimes forget who that word hurts the most and is also a reminder of how disregarded the fight for disability rights is. I’m talking about the word “Retarded” or “Retard”, a word which from personal experience even as a black person I find more offensive than the N word. Now before every African American person or person of color goes batshit crazy over this statement, allow me to explain myself and my own personal struggle. Continue reading

Friendship Is Magic (Important Life Lessons From a Kid’s Cartoon)

I have a confession to make which will tie into this blog post. It would appear this weekend I have gotten into a show that well, wasn’t really meant to be watched and enjoyed by adult men in this first place but somehow it has ushered quite the following from the 18-35 male demographic. Now if you are a “Brony” or know what one is or you’re familiar with the fandom then you’ve recognized the blog title and already know exactly what show I am now officially hooked on. For those who don’t know what a “Brony” is then allow me to explain. “Bronies” are males from ages 18-35 (sometimes older and sometimes younger) who are avid fans of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. That’s right, I have gotten hooked to My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic and before you start looking at me funny or calling me gay or think that I’m some weird sick and twisted individual for watching a show that is aimed at little girls I need to explain to you why the fuss and why the show is so critically acclaimed way outside of its demographic and why I have fallen in love with the show. Continue reading

Angry Autistic Rants Vol. 1: The Valentines Day Massacre (Another Trip Through my Tragic Love Life or Lack Thereof)

WARNING: STRONG LANGUAGE!!!! READER DISCRETION IS ADVISED!!!!!!

Welcome to Angry Autistic Rants, a sub series of posts where I choose something that bothers/irritates me and blogs about it with nothing but raw emotion. For this post we shall dive into a holiday that I find utterly pointless and should die in a fire.

As you reach the end of January, you instantly start to notice that there’s something ominous in the air. You can’t quite put your finger on it but you know that there’s something off. There’s an influx of jewelry commercials, there are way too many love songs on the radio but it all comes full circle when you walk into a store and are reminded what day is around the corner. Suddenly your mind is filled with flashbacks as pain as the feelings of loneliness come rushing back. Your heart starts to hurt as you are now reminded that Valentines Day is approaching.  There aren’t enough words in the world or pages in a book or even space on the wordpress database to describe how much I despise Valentines Day. I could write a Harry Potter sized novel about how much I hate the day and it still wouldn’t scratch the surface. Every year when I walk into a CVS, Walmart, or any other store with a “Valentines Day” section it tends to trigger a ton of memories, memories of my attempts at love gone terribly wrong. If I could start fires and contain them to one section and keep people safe in the process I would torch the Valentines section of every single store I walked into. Scary shit huh? I promise I’m not some pyromaniac and that thought of torching that section is more of a twisted fantasy created from my sometimes fucked imagination than it is an urge or impulse. Those reading are now wondering what could have possibly happened on the only day in the calender year that we treat our significant others like kings and queens to warrant such rage and sadistic thoughts. A lot went wrong in my life for me to get to this point. Now in earlier blog posts I have covered some of my romance woes  but I never exactly started at the beginning but before I do, I have to share a few of my older My Space blog posts in order to get that pain across. Back in high school I blogged of my life but in those days I blogged with nothing but raw unfiltered emotion. The next three blogs are from an angry, lonely, depressed, and even sexually frustrated 17-20 year old me on the matter of this most unfortunate holiday.

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Keep On Truckin’ (One Nation, Underdog…)

So yesterday I had to watch my football team, the New England Patriots get their asses mercilessly handed to them by none other than the Denver Broncos, a team we barely beat in overtime a few games ago thanks to one of the best comebacks in the history of our franchise.  Yesterday we played the Broncos again for the AFC Championship and the right to go to the Superbowl. We fell and we fell hard to a Broncos team that fought like true champions. Any loss of that magnitude hurts but it hurts even more given what the team had to endure prior to and during this season. We loss Wes Welker to the none other than the Broncos due to our team’s inability to but fourth a competitive salary. We loss Aaron Hernandez to, well the entire country already knows how much of an idiot Hernandez is so I’m not even doing to share my two cents on that one. Rob Gronkowski, our star tight end and probably the best NFL receiver in recent memory due to his giant hands, his height, and unbelievable speed was rehabbing injuries from the previous season and wouldn’t be cleared to play until several weeks into the season. With the loss of a very dominant receiver core and the introduction of many rookie players, every sports commentator in existence spelled doom and gloom for our team. No one thought we had a chance at the playoffs this year and everyone wrote us off before we even had a chance to prove ourselves. In those first five games we played during the season, it was obvious our offense was hurting. We barely won games and the lack of a good offense ended up tasking our defensive line greatly which resulted in a nasty ripple effect in the form of losses critical losses to our D Line (Vince Wilfork and Tommy Kelly). Even with a good amount of wins and a lead in our division things were looking grim. Our rookies were sloppy and teams were easily destroying our defensive line. Yet somehow our team always managed to pull through despite the shitty hand they were dealt. Our team had a reliance I had yet see until now. Continue reading

The Epic Autistic’s Guide to Weight Loss

As the New Year kicks off, many people are making New Years Resolutions with the most common one being to shed a couple pounds. Now last year I managed to shed 35 pounds over the course of six months feel it’s time to pass on my knowledge and tips. All too often there are a plethora of meds and fad diets/workouts that people buy into out of desperation
or sheer laziness. Now I should note that not everything works for everyone and
before you plan to lose a large amount of weight (25 pounds or more) then you
should definitely consult a doctor or a nutritionist. I present you, weight lost tips from yours truly. Continue reading

Mister Spock, Autism, and How My Logic Ruined the Magic of Christmas

Now before I go on with this blog post I need to put up a rather big disclaimer. I do not think Spock is on the spectrum and nor will this blog post be used to try to prove that. Also, please forgive me for any inaccuracies in my part of trying to describe Spock and the Star Trek universe, I rarely watched the series and these observations are based more on the recent movies. I do however believe there are some uncanny similarities between his logic driven through process and the thought process of someone on the spectrum. Now die hard Star Trek fans who understand some of the challenges of a person with Autism will instantly know what comparisons I’m going to make but to those who don’t understand, allow me to elaborate. In Star Trek, the character of Spock is half human and half Vulcan. Spock however develops based on his Vulcan heritage. His race suppresses all emotion in favor of logic. Logic drives their thoughts and their actions and how they approach situations. Spock is no different in this regard and his logic based approach to various challenges drive certain plot lines in the series as well as his interactions and relationships with the rest of the cast. Continue reading

Those Days Where Your Best Doesn’t Feel Like it’s Good Enough

So one day I’m at an arcade playing DDR (Dance Dance Revolution) and as usual, a crowd forms around me because it isn’t everyday that they see people who could move so fast with such precision. When the song is said and done with, everyone applauds and is totally floored by my performance. Everyone is in awe and people think it’s the greatest thing they’ve seen. Everyone watching believes it was incredibly stellar, everyone except me. You see, every seems to be in awe that I managed to hit about 490/500+ steps in one song. I on the other hand am in awe that I missed those ten arrows and should have been able to hit them. While everyone is in awe about what they just saw, I’m sitting there analyzing EVERYTHING I did wrong. There is no longer “I did the best I could”, there is only “that totally sucked, I can do so much better, that was pathetic”. In those moments I realized that I ‘m perfectionist and that I seem t never take what I can get. Continue reading

Not Your Kind of People

For the longest time I’ve tried to find a song that describes my life in a nutshell. I’ve found a few that have come close but none of them really hit the nail on the head until now. I was listening through the albums of Garbage, a band from my favorite year of music (90s baby!!!!!!!!!) when I stumbled upon a song from their most recent album that felt as if it were written for me and all the other outcasts of society. As I listened through the song I suddenly felt a strong connection with the lyrics, especially during the second verse. In a nutshell the song is about being different from the rest of society and how different is always better. Now I’m not going to break down the entire song word for word but I will choose some sections of the song and explain the significance of the said section in my life.

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